Bipolar - Between Now and Then

Recently, as you know I was diagnosed as Bipolar, once known years ago as manic depression. Not a physician but my goal is to share what I deal with concerning this disease. To bring you inside my world.

On AC, where I am finding a lot of support I am also meeting new people. I recently met a woman whose young teenage daughter was diagnosed as bipolar. That bipolar ran in her family. Even though she never had this disease she was fortunate enough to realize the problem and have it dealt with. What a courageous mother. What a very fortunate child.

Made me remember how as a child I always felt out of place. How I never belonged. I had friends but never really close friends. How I always wanted to fit in. That feeling went on throughout my life. When something went wrong in my life it was so traumatic. I would look at others that were in similar circumstances but went on with their lives. Seems I was always stuck in that rut. The world kept functioning when I couldn't.

I am now 53 years old and I have always felt that way. I can certainly say I did not have a bad life but I feel I could have led a more enriched life. That is life. I live each day at a time and move on. I feel I am so blessed to know what is wrong. To know I was not wrong when I felt out of place or should I say, something was wrong.

As a child, my parents would never have recognized these symptoms. This disease is the last thing anyone would have thought about or wanted to think about. To them I was just a very shy and backward child. I cried at the drop of a dime so I was always teased to be a "ball baby:". I could not control the crying. Up to a month ago I still could not control the crying if I had a breakdown.

I have learned to call my breakdowns my crash. When I finally became so overwhelmed, mentally and physically, I would crash. Thirty-two years ago I crashed. I also attempted suicide for the first time. I did go through therapy for a couple years which helped me very much. I still had my crashes but as time went on I finally started medications. They helped to a point. at that time I was diagnosed with depression.

It took my attempts of suicide two months ago and a visit to mental health for a week to discover I was bipolar. From there on I have had my ups and down but with medication I feel I am finally on the right track.

We have come so far with medications. Isn't is about time we fight this disease?

As I said one day at a time. I keep my doctor appointments and my meds are well monitored. I don't know how I survived without these meds. Life would have been so much easier I am sure. Though today medications are much better than they were even ten years ago.

I just get so frustrated how this disease is overlooked or hidden. How an embarrassed parent will allow a child to go without help because they do not want to face this disease head on.

Yes, it is a disease but it is treatable. People will rally to fight cancer or any physical disease. Why can't we fight bipolar or a mental illness? Why do we allow these diseases to beat us?