Bipolar Disorder: Inside My Mind

There are times I feel crazy and completely out of control. It's like being two people, only you are both inside your head making you feel like the best or worst person that you could possibly be. When you are in a mania you feel like the most important, intelligent and indestructible person on earth, even though it is all an illusion of grandeur. When you are in a depression, there isn't anything that you could do right. Even the smallest, unintentional comment by a loved one can send you into a complete shut down emotionally.

I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar when I was in my adulthood, but start suffering from it when I was a teenager. I have been depressed most of my life and always refused to get help, see a therapist or go on meds. To this day I am not on meds, but I am also a lot more under control than I was in the past.

I just tried to kind of deal with it through high school. My freshman year of high school I was raped by my first boyfriend, so I stopped eating. My parents weren't and aren't exactly the most supportive people. My dad is addict/alcoholic who can't admit it to this day and my mother has her own mental problems so we don't get along or communicate very well and now that I am an adult with my own family I don't care if we have a relationship anymore, I have other people who want my attention. Anyway, I finally started eating again towards the end of high school, though have never gotten used to it. Sometimes, it's really still hard.

I got married for the first time when I was 19 to a man that was 8 years older than me and already had a 12 year old son. So, that was stressful and he ignored me and had affairs, so I started drinking. And, my depression plunged and I didn't leave the house for 3 months (not even to check the mail). I took a leave of absence from work for that, so at least I had a job when I snapped out of it. That was one smart thing I did. I have always been in a relationship, in fact a new boyfriend moved me out of my husband's house. That relationship was ok, but ended a year and a half later. Oh, I forgot to mention that I tried to kill myself during my marriage and then again in the new relationship. So, he didn't stick around. I scared him off.

Then I spent a year partying and sleeping around...embarrassed...I started doing meth and that took care of all of my depression, so I stuck to that for a couple of years. During that time, I moved to Las Vegas with a guy who ended up being an abuser. He tried to kill me a couple of times, so my sister moved down there with me and we started working as models. My mother had a breakdown, so we came home to visit and ended up staying. The first day back I met the man who is now my current husband and my savior! We were both completely out of control; he is a recovering alcoholic/addict.

Rushing to the present, we have both been clean and sober for almost 18 months. We have a beautiful 8 month old baby boy and have been married for 9 months. Yes, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant when we got married! It was great. We are now happier than both one of us have been before, and getting ready to start trying for our next baby.

I still have never been on meds, but I have a great doctor that helps me watch my moods and I spent about a year with a great therapist and worked through some of the things that I have been through.

I hope that my story can encourage all of you that there is light at the end of the very dark tunnel all Bi-Polars live in. I am not saying that I don't have bad days, I definitely do. But, I have developed some techniques to force me out of them and my love for my son helps A LOT! After I was raped, I was told by doctors that I would never have children. So, my little monster is my miracle and I OWE him the positive, loving and encouraging mommy that he deserves.