Bipolar Disorder and New Relationships

Anybody who has ever been in a relationship can tell you there's no secret to distinguishing between achieving success or utter failure. In my experience, the most stressful and troubling point in any relationship is the initial start-up, where you get to know the person and present them with the best representation of what you think you really are. For some this is actually the most interesting and best part; but for others, like me, it is stressful, nerve-racking and often dreadful all at once. However, today I'd like to talk a little about my experience with someone who I've shared my life with for almost six years now. She's a lot of things, but one of the first things I noticed when our relationship started back in August 2002 was her sudden, abrupt or inexplicable shifts in her mood.

Though starting any relationship may be a difficult task, partnering up with someone with bipolar disorder will definitely bring about its own set of challenges. That's not to say that anybody should avoid engaging in a relationship with someone who suffers from bipolar, but rather a few things they should keep in mind. Though I should note here that this information is solely based on my own experience with someone who I've grown to love and care about during the last six years - it is not based on any scientific data or research, and your own experiences could greatly vary or prove very distinct (if not contradictory) to my own.

The first thing you need to keep in mind is the symptomatic expression of the disorder itself. When my girlfriend first told me she had bipolar disorder, I immediately confessed I knew little to nothing about the subject. She explained in a very concise and personal way how the disorder affects her on an everyday basis. After our first few dates, I read up on as many sources as I could possibly find to better understand her experiences (and how the disorder itself distinguished them from my own). Thus, gathering information and internalizing it to the point of truly understanding what's going on in the psychology of your partner at a very general level is always crucial. If nothing more, it dispels the myths from facts.

The second important element to beginning a new relationship with someone suffering from bipolar is to be considerate of the feelings they have about their disorder. You may want to ask questions and talk about it to get to know them (and that is essentially a great step in building communication with a potential long-term partner); however, you must gauge their comfort level in discussing this information, and you should only proceed at a level that will make them feel like you're actually interested because you care - and not because you think they're a specimen to be studied. In the very beginning of my relationship I asked questions only when she brought up the topic. She was not particularly sensitive about it, but I never wanted to make her feel like I was interrogating her or focusing more on her disorder and less about her (as a whole person).

Thirdly, (and this relates heavily to the point I brought up in my previous sentence) you must remember to look at your relationship as two individual people. Your new partner has no desire to be identified with, or defined solely by, his or her mental disorder. This will inevitably lead to the afflicted partner being hurt by your attention being focused on his/her mental condition and less on getting to know them as an overall human being. This can put serious strain on a relationship before it even takes off. Remember, they bring to the table a lot more than simply having bipolar disorder. If throughout any point in your time together the unexpected mood shifts become more prominent or expose themselves, don't assume it's simply because they have bipolar. Try to talk to them as if you really do care - don't simply write it off as an "episode."

Once on a date, I thought my girlfriend and I were having a really great time, and she seemed so excited but then, about one hour into dinner, her mood abruptly transitioned toward a deep depression and her face was overcome with the expression of sadness. I asked her what was wrong, and she didn't want to answer. I prodded her a couple more times and she confessed there was "nothing" wrong in the sense that she was having a bad time, but it was just her mood changing. The sadness that overcame her was not my responsibility and I had no reason to take it personally, but she seemed very touched that I didn't simply pin it on her bipolar disorder from the beginning.

This experience taught me a great lesson that has also proved extremely beneficial in developing a relationship with someone with bipolar. You need to be prepared to be exceptionally understanding and less sensitive about your partner's mood shifts if they come about during a date or activity. Do not feel defensive or offended by their apparent mood changes - whether from sadness to mania or vice versa. The prevalence may vary between individuals, but try your best to be understanding and talk to them when they feel like it. If not, they may want space, and that's OK. Don't take it personally if they want to be alone for some time - this may be feelings of guilt or shame. A lot of people with bipolar feel as if they may bring down the mood of those around them, and this leads to feelings of guilt. Be sure to communicate to your partner that this is not the case and that you are there for them if they need you. This requires building an essential level of trust between your partner and yourself. If they trust that you care for them, they will talk to you when they need to, and you must respect their wish to be alone when the feeling comes around as well. After all, we all need some space to ourselves sometimes.

Another aspect to remember when starting a new relationship with someone with bipolar disorder is to be sensitive about the issue of pharmacological treatment. My girlfriend was not taking any medication for her bipolar disorder when we met, and in fact, has never since taken any drug treatment since I've known her. Her experience when she was younger was unpleasant, as the drugs themselves made her feel physically ill and emotionally numb. This was her decision and I've always taken a supportive attitude. If someone does not feel comfortable taking prescription drugs for their bipolar disorder, then you should not try to argue or engage them in a confrontational way about how they should deal with their disorder. If it's an issue and you've built a significant level of communication and trust, you may want to take the time to sit down with them and talk about it. However, be careful not appear as if you're presenting your partner with an ultimatum (i.e., "Take the drugs or I'm leaving you."). Be supportive of how they want to deal with their bipolar disorder, whether it's psychotherapy and drugs, just drugs, just psychotherapy or nothing at all. If it becomes a real problem for you then you're not forced to stay in any relationship by virtue of obligation of feeling bad. However, if you do decide to break it off try to be understanding about how they're going to feel if you simply tell them, "I can't be with you because of your bipolar disorder," or something to that extent. Try to be understanding but remember they don't want to be lied to, either. The truth may hurt but there are ways to deliver it in a respectful and productive manner.

As I said in the beginning of my article all relationships require a great amount of work if they're ever going to last or become meaningful. Starting a relationship with someone who suffers from bipolar disorder can be just as rewarding as any other relationship. It presents a few challenges that are unique to those cases, but nonetheless there are many things you can do (such as those issues I've discussed here) that will greatly help build an emotional bond between both partners. I continue to learn new things everyday from my girlfriend and we've learned to cope with any and all obstacles that may result from her having bipolar disorder. Most importantly, I am there for her when she needs me and I always try to be supportive. Just as with any relationship there is no secret or magic to making it work so long as you're willing to work and create a sustainable emotional bond with your partner.