Bipolar Disorder: Through My Eyes

My teenage years were spent being confused about everything, but had you asked me then I would have told you, "I'm fine. Leave me alone. It's my life, back off." I never stuck with any one thing for too long, as that tends to be the nature of Bipolar Disorder. I had a different boyfriend, philosophy of life, clothing style, hair color, and activity of choice every week (if it lasted that long). Sure I had periods every now and then where I was content for about a month then everything would go hay-wire again. I know now that I was rapid-cycling[ii].

One minute I was on top of the world, I was the best trumpet player anyone had ever heard, I was the smartest, best dressed and hottest girl in school. Then I would crash, someone would tell me 'no', or 'bring me back to earth', and I would either go into a rage or I would break down and cry, at times I would do both at the same time. I would be screaming and throwing things and one second later I was rocking in a dark closet crying. I remember thinking to myself that everyone hated me and wished I was dead; they would laugh at me for ever having thought I was special in any way. Just as times would stay normal for a month or so...there were times when these episodes of depression[iii] would last just as long.

I can't name how many times I can remember being curled up inside of my locker at school crying because I felt that everyone was angrily looking at me, glaring, judging, and thinking 'Why does she even come here? No one likes her. She has no friends, no one who cares. I hate her, her clothes, her hair; everything about her is screwed up.' During times like this I would turn to the group that my Mom always said would accept anyone, the Stoners. I would drink and smoke with them, I even tried their marijuana. I didn't fit in though, I was afraid they would turn on me, I never felt safe with them or anyone. No one was my friend.

Then I learned why you don't mix mental disorders with drugs and alcohol. I had smoked a small amount of marijuana with a friend of mine, when my brain broke. I started hysterically crying and running through the house, holding up objects and hugging them. In my head I was trying desperately to grasp onto the things I cared about but they were slipping away into a black hole. I saw my parents, my faith, my friends, animals, everything. I would reach out for it and barely touch it before it slipped away into the vortex. I knew something was wrong. I knew I was hallucinating and it wasn't the drugs. I couldn't pull myself out of it though. My friend took me to the hospital where they restrained me for a while, told me it was just the drugs then made me leave. After that day I never touched drugs again.

It wasn't until I was 21 years old that I was finally diagnosed as Bipolar I with psychotic tendencies. It took me having seizure-like panic attacks for anyone to figure it out. Many people thought I was making up stories just to get attention. I didn't want attention, I just wanted to be normal. I was prescribed a mood stabilizer that worked great up until I decided I didn't need medication. The three months after I quit the meds where wonderful, the birds were singing, the colors were brighter, love was stronger, friends were closer...I was manic[iv].

It was during this manic episode that I met my husband. I remained manic for the first couple of months that we were together, everything was wonderful - but I lived in fear of when things would turn. When I would break up with him for no reason, he would leave me or some other horrible event would occur that would take away all the happiness I was feeling and send me into depression. Then we got pregnant. Everything went topsy-turvy from there. Thankfully my husband is a very strong man, who was able to quickly see something was wrong. He remained supportive through the entire pregnancy, though it tried his every nerve. He never knew what he was going to come home to. One day I was 'Susie homemaker' with dinner on the table and a clean house all full of sunshine then I would be horribly angry, hysterically crying, or trapped in a hallucination. After we had our baby girl I went into a deep post-partum depression. I was always angry, yelling, and I was so afraid that I was going to hurt someone, namely either my son or our baby.

My husband got me into a doctor that prescribed me new mood stabilizers - after a couple of weeks things were getting better again. I was leaving the house and talking to friends. I ended up having a few relapses where I chose not to take the medication, but my husband was able to bring me back around. He has a knack for being able to pull the happy memories out of the dark recesses and bring me back to reality. We are still working on my manic episodes, where I suddenly decide that I was meant for greater things, run out get a job, buy a whole new closet full of clothes to go with the new job, just to quit after 3 months because I thought that my boss and co-workers were conspiring against me. He is always there with a gracious hand to help me pick up the pieces of broken family and self-esteem.

Now that I am older and have read many books on Bipolar and Depression, I am able to see what paths I took solely due to my mental illness, and I am still trying to fish out which ones were the 'stable' me. I have set up a support network of family and friends, I go to an online support group once a week, and I visit my therapist and doctor at least once a month. Things are going well for the most part but I want to start educating others in what Bipolar is and what the dangers are. If this article helped you in any way, or if you would like more information on a specific area of Bipolar and Depression please leave me a message on my Content Producer's Page.

I have included a link to the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) in the resources area. DBSA is where I have received the most help, they are there 24/7 on line and on the phone. Their website is full of useful information and supports groups for those with mental illness and their families.

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Definitions are linked to a webpage with more information.

[i] Bipolar Disorder

Is a disease that controls a persons behaviors, speech patterns, dress, beliefs, everything. If your bipolar loved one "Isn't acting like themselves" it is because they are not currently "themselves". Many times all that is needed is for someone to ask "Are you angry?" or whatever mood they appear to be in. If anything they do scares you or makes you wonder if they currently have a grasp on reality - Take your loved one to the hospital! They will probably not want to go but you should do anything in your power to get them there. Explain to the hospital staff that your loved one is Bipolar.

[ii]Rapid-Cycling

The clinical definition is four severe moods in a 12 month period. (ie. Depressed, then Normal, then Manic, then Normal, then Depressed, then Normal, then Manic)

[iii]Depression

By no means is being depressed the same as being sad! This is one common misconception that just seams to grow. I'm sad when someone eats the last piece of pie. I am depressed when I cannot get out of bed for days on end because my mind has literally shut down. There is nothing going on except for the occasional nightmare. I perceive the world as a dark, scary place and when I am able to venture into it, I hide behind my hair, hoping no one will notice how hideous I am. I walk as fast as my heart beats because I just want to get away from all the horrible people and the thoughts my mind claims they are thinking. Depression is hell on earth to put it lightly, please never use the word sad when trying to relate to someone who is depressed.

[iv]Manic

It is believed that when someone is manic the brain actually interprets things as happier as in brighter colors, heightened hearing and taste. For most people mania is a wonderful place to be; you feel as if you can accomplish anything, you are able to get more things done in less time, and you don't have to waste your precious time eating, sleeping or any of that boring stuff. A manic episode for me feels like I am making up for the months of depression that lead up to it or will surely follow. For the spectator though, mania is not fun, wonderful, happy or anything like that. Usually a manic person comes across as irritable, aloof, angry, and even dazed, because their mind is moving so much faster than everything around them.

Sources

Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families (2nd Edition)

Surviving Manic Depression: A Manual on Bipolar Disorder for Patients, Families, and Providers