Bipolar - Down Time

Last night was a rough night for me. I call it my mental crash. I think i was pretty near one by then.

I haven't been sleeping well lately which is one factor. Through the past week I've had a lot of family turmoil. Work is great most the time except when one person is not working. Don't know if it is her or me but I tried to talk yesterday and got no where. I do believe in confronting someone to their face. This person makes remarks about others and I feel she does this about me. Especially the way she acts around me. There is always one person and that is just a fast of life.

I was always a strong willed person and as stated in my recent stories, being bipolar has beaten me down. It did not happen overnight and I guess it will not be controlled overnight.

I've been there a lot lately for my daughter as far as giving advice when needed but she has to make those final decisions and is to the point where she can not just sit on "Maybe" now. It hurts to see her and especially the boys go through this but it is to the point of hurting me. I've raised my children to think and do for themselves. I just wish the other family could act this way. Of course, I am there for her.

I have not slept well the last couple of weeks. This wears you down fast. Physically and mentally. When you are mentally weakened you don't deal with life's problems well and that includes anyone. It's 5:30 AM and I have been up since 4 AM. This has been a common for about 2 weeks.

I do share my stories because I want to make people aware but I'd rather not share them with the people I work with for the fact that I do not want to be a victim in their eyes. A lot of times they will either make fun of you behind your back or pity you and feel the need to help you and do more for you. I want to make it on my own but this is difficult.

Last night my husband was away so I called Crisis. The girl kept having to put me on hold which didn't help matters. I believe they are probably short handed though and she was probably trying to talk to someone else also. I am just glad I was not to the point of really doing something drastic. I don't want to discourage anyone from ever calling Crisis. Maybe if you've got it in you, volunteer for Crisis. I may do that myself one day but I have to straighten out my own life first. It's just nice to have that sympathetic ear.

I do have good things in my life for now. I have my husband and daughter who are always there. I just don't feel my daughter needs bothered with me at the moment. I did make her aware of the fact of how her incident is affecting me. I have my dear friends on Associated Contents. You know who you are. Everyone has their busy lives but there is always one, two, or three of you there at a time. Last but least I have a therapist appointment tomorrow but I can always call before if necessary.

This disease always seems to be a struggle and maybe I don't have the strengths I used to have but I will always have my standards.

Thanks for letting me share. I feel I need to share the bad times as well as the good times. Let me tell you another thing. Writing is a great therapy.