Bipolar - Thinking Back

Since I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disease I've been thinking a lot about my past. A lot of questions are coming back and I am understanding a lot more why certain things happened. Why I reacted the way I did many times.

Even as a child while there was abuse and screaming all the time I was still clingy to my parents. I remember fearing that my father would kill my mother and suddenly I would be alone. That's not a healthy environment for anyone let alone a child.

As I had learned before, you can be born with the gene. It's the environment that triggers Bipolar disease or any mental illness. Growing up with the odd fears I had. I was very passive.

I even realize now when I look back at my first marriage. I was very clingy which caused a lot of problems. He was an alcoholic and with both of these problems the marriage fell apart. When the marriage did break up I really had difficulties in letting it go. That even brought on my first suicide attempt. Any downfalls in my life then were exceptionally crushing to me. I remember thinking of people that went through similar situations and they seemed to handle it better.

I know everyone is different and handles each situation differently but for me it just seemed much harder.

I later had a six year relationship that ended with him seeming someone else while we were still together. I was devastated and hung on to the pain for about six months after I had thrown him out. I sort of drew within myself. I had two children I was raising and I know they suffered because of my reaction to this. It was like life just went on around me. It finally took a good friend that told me she just couldn't stand being around me anymore. I was so depressed all the time. I know that sounds harsh but it made me snapped out of it. It made me realize but I doubt that would have helped any sooner.

Everyone has the bad times in life. That is life. I just realize as I look back why there were times extra difficult for me. Why I handled certain situations the way I did. I am sure more will come back to me and I can say with the proper medication I do feel better and handle just everyday matters much better.

I do want to make something clear. I am not a doctor and I am writing from personal experience. As more people learn about my situation I find them thinking they or someone in their life is bipolar.

I want to make everyone aware. That is why I am sharing my feelings and experiences. I also want to make clear that if you are concerned about this you should contact a physician and please don't feel that every time someone is having a bad day they have a mental illness. Life is full of bad days and it is up to each of us how we learn to deal with it.

With me, medication helps but in real life you do have to realize, you have a bad day, you make the best of it.