Bird Feeder Analogy

There once was an old lady who wanted to put up a bird feeder. When the first bird came, she thought it was cute. Even after the second and third bird. The fourth and onward, however, all came more frequently. The old lady found herself spending more and more money on feed for the birds to the point that she had less and less money for her own food. In the end, she took down the feeder and the flock of birds eventually stopped coming around.

One thing I want to make clear before I start is that it is not a bad thing to want to help people. As long as you know without a doubt that you can keep doing so without hurting yourself in the process.

Take for example, a very close friend of mine is in a rather jammed bind. A friend of hers wants to get help in getting his life back together. This is fine to ask. The Only problem is, he hasn't seemed to help himself. In the views of many others, he is wanting others to do the work for him. His motivation is limited. My friend recently had to make a very important choice, one that is obvious in the minds of anyone who wold find themselves in her shoes. She had to cut him off due to the fact that her children's lives were at stake. She was in danger of losing her home. At this point she has no where else to go. In having to tell her friend that he had to leave, many things happened that should be left along for the well being of others. That I wont get into.

What my friend is going through is a very tough situation among other matters going on in her life. She is trying very hard at this point to make sure her kids are safe. I can't blame her. True, in this economy, many people need assistance in almost every aspect. True, that in this economy, people are more willing to help others. It's the matter of how much help you give when you're trying to help your self as well. Taking on too much not only hurts you but sometimes giving help to the wrong person when they only want to live off others can endanger you. I asked my friend, what is more important? That friend who only hurts you in way that they claim they aren't intending and you let them anyway, or your kids? She answered that her kids where more important. So, she told her friend to leave. She is still in probable danger though she is taking any measures she can find to protect her family. I hope things go good for her.

What I would like this article to entail is the way you cane help yourself whether or not your getting assistance from others. Because it is always best to show that you can do it yourself and not rely on others unless you have no other choice. In other word's, those that are elderly or severely disabled or need a support system.

After my friend cut off what hindered her the most (including family ties, lets not get into that) she and her husband set up appointments with the Department of Family Services to see what programs were out there that would help them become more independent. They also wanted to strengthen their bond in marriage and have begun seeking help. They have a stronger system of help for their kids and they also met with caseworkers of the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation to find work that would best suit them. While they couldn't get the same case worker due to policies restricting couples to an independent caseworker, they have begun to receive help and also have re-started down the path to furthering their education. My dear friends are almost in their thirties and do feel that they are too old for some of the services they signed up for but I had to reassure them that even people in their sixties get help.

In addition to protecting their children, they have their door locked at all times even when they are home, they've changed their phone number and they had to do some other things that many other people would say is downright wrong to do against another family member. However they are scared. Taking additional measures is no crime and if you or anyone else feels in danger, take those measures. Show that you mean the very best for your kids' sake. I am very supportive of my friend and her husband. They've been through a lot. So much I could write a novel about it.

Many people every day take steps that they may feel are . . . binding. Like a mother or father who is an alcoholic and is at the brink of losing their kids. They want to keep them and set up to take AA meetings or even go through twenty-eight days of rehab then AA meetings. They meet with their sponsors and therapists. They have routine inspections by Social Workers. They keep a journal. Or say your a parent of manic or bi-polar depression. You take the steps to effectively parents your children and to be there for them. You have a counselor. You have meds. You exercise and take parenting classes for parents with depression. You pick an outlet and try to use it every day. Whether it be art or writing or yoga or knitting. My friend writes a blog. She checks up on her health she reads parenting books she has to watch out for anyone that may pose as a risk.

No, it isn't going to be easy. As for helping other people, you do have to be choosy with who you help. You can't be their parent. You can be a friend but if when you help they somehow intentionally or unintentionally cause a risk to you or your family. You will have to let them go. Some people ask for help and never get the picture. In fact that same friend that my friend had to to tell to leave, nearly cause another person to loose their apartment. He begged for money from people he didn't know. I calculate upwards or maybe even over $300 within a month that he begged from people. He even conned people to fill up his gas tank when he could have gone to the local homeless services to get that issue resolved. As for borrowing $50 at a time from people who will never see that money back, well, I don't mind helping the homeless but here in this town, panhandling repeatedly in the same area is illegal. Sure, I have given five dollars to a blind man in Old Sacramento but that's the most I ever gave anyone. Usually it's a dollar. This friend they asked to leave really never took steps to better himself. He just wanted to not take his medications for his ADD/ADHD, nor look for a job, nor look for some form of housing until he got back on his feet. He used other peoples phones to call long distance and he called the cops on a varying number of people (just becuase they wouldn't help him) with false accusations. I have written before about toxic personalities (Mr/Mrs Toxic Personality). They apply to every venue of you helping yourself. If they want help but show no signs of helping themselves in the process, then you can't have them around when your helping your self. Just as the bird feeder analogy states, the woman spent too much on bird feed and had to take away the feeder. My friends want help but while asking for it they are also trying to find ways showing that they are in it to win it. They are signed up with the Workforce Center and look for jobs through the newspaper and on-line as well as just getting out there and applying. They show that they can parent by getting services but also taking there kids to school and signing up for PTA and attending school functions. They work on their car when they can even though they may need more help then what they can provide for themselves. They have WIC and food-stamps. While they have no other real family near by that is reliable to help them when they need a break, they ask for advice from family members from other states. They try to give each other free time and talk about parenting and advise each other.

I admire my friends. They want help and are willing to show that they want it after having a close call of having to push away someone who caused them to almost lose what they cherish most. The kids and each other.