Birthday Party Etiquette: Expensive Gifts and Lavish Entertainment

Q: My 6-year-old daughter has been invited to "yet" another birthday party. It seems like every weekend there are 2 or 3 parties for kids in her class and daycare. While the parties are fun the parents seem to expect that we bring a gift to each one - and never an inexpensive gift. I am glad that my daughter is invited to spend time with her friends from school, but I tire of seeing kids spoiled by parents and given even more stuff they will never use from friends - and seeing those who cannot afford such lavish gifts being rejected or made fun of. Worse, her birthday is coming up and I know I cannot afford such a lavish party as these kids will be expecting. What can I do? How do I deal with not being able to get such expensive gifts all the time for her friends?

A: You have quite a crippling dilemma before you, and one that I do not envy. More and more often we see parents living the lives they wanted through their children - giving their children all the luxury they desired but were never granted as a child. Even with the tanking economy we see parents spoiling children beyond their means hoping that this will help shield the child from the frustration their parents are facing. Trust me they are not doing their kids any favors!

Let's look at the second part of your question first. What does you daughter want to do for her birthday? Does your daughter really want a lavish - buy a pony ride, bounce house, and personal clown performer - or would she be happy with her friends from school and an easy game of pin the tail on Donkey? Most kids' parties don't even serve a lot of food, just crackers and cheese to entertain the adults while the kids are happy with birthday cake and ice cream. Sit down with your budget and decide what you can really spend; then sit down with you daughter and negotiate with her what she wants. It would be best to do this on a mid-week day when she is not fresh from someone else's party. Spunk it up with inexpensive costumes and do it yourself crafts and games. Kids, especially her age, love to make things themselves to take home; the cheesy looking t-shirt she decorated herself will hang in her closet long after the bag of dollar store trinkets are broken and trashed. Whatever you do, do not try to outdo your neighbors' parties with your own going out of your budget. Enjoy your daughter at this age, she is young enough not to care and if you start this game now it will only get worse as she gets older.

The first part of your question is a little more tricky. In our parent's day it was not expected, but graciously accepted, to bring a gift. It was your gift to the birthday person to show up and play games with them on their special day. If you did bring a gift it was usually something homemade or something the child wears out a lot - baseball gloves, socks and hats, even a football. Parents were expected to provide the necessities in life, grandparents bought all the fun stuff (like the new video games) and friends just came to have fun. Most importantly, if a friend could not bring any gift but a hug or high five that was just fine.

Unfortunately, today things are very much different. Because we have become such a materialistic society it is hard to get by when you just can't do. Part of this is alleviated by the fact that most schools are broken down into districts that almost inadvertently separate the income classes as well. If you are living in a neighborhood and going to a certain school most likely everyone else has around the same kind of income. So if you can't afford lavish gifts, most likely the other parents can't either. This helps you because you won't find someone giving your child a new $200 iPod when you can barely afford a $10 portable CD Player in return. However, there are exceptions, and I have a feeling you are in this category.

First, look at yourself; does your standing in the eyes of your neighbors really matter so much? If your answer is yes then by all means, neglect your child's needs for that expensive toy for her friend. Because you are asking I'm guessing the answer is no - but you don't want to be singled out as the cheapskate either. So, you need to set an amount you can afford for birthday parties at the beginning of the year. Most schools post a class list at the beginning of the year. If there are 30 kids in your child's class then you know you have the potential to buy gifts for 29 kids. If you can only afford about $300 per year for gifts then you limit the gift for each child to $10. If someone doesn't have a party or want gifts then you simply bonus that back into your budget for next month. If you keep the gift amount about the same for each child you will find that, while they are cheaper than others the child gets, at least no one feels left out and the other parents will let well enough alone.

Consider starting a new trend in your community. If your daughter is okay with not having presents from her friends then add the classic wedding invitation notation: you presence is your present, or ask to donate to a charity or non-profit in her name. My daughter has Type 1 Diabetes so we ask friends and family to donate for a cure to JDRF - the kids love it and in a way she gets a gift too! It teaches kids at a very young age that gifts are not everything, and there are more important things in life.