Bittersweet Regret

Bittersweet Regret

Why do I find myself almost constantly thinking of him

And fantasizing of running into him somewhere?

It can't be that I am still in love with him;

Although, I suppose that once you have really loved somebody,

You never stop loving that person.

It's just that that part of my life inevitably had to come to an end

For it was stagnating us.

It was keeping us from growing in the way

We better could and should if we were apart.

Is it curiosity, wondering what he is like now,

Who he is with,

Whether he has the same goals, ... ?

Or is it pride, wanting to show him

How different I am now,

How I am so much more as he always wanted me to be?

How I don't need him anymore

As I don't want him to think he has the upperhand,

Or that I am just waiting for him to call?

I never thought of him when I was away

Except to be relieved that I was free of him

And free to love and live as I chose.

But now that I am in the city

Where I knew him,

He is often on my mind.

Is it a dream I am loving,

Remembering how it used to be

And how good he was to me,

Tactfully forgetting all the bad times

Which constituted almost half of our relationship?

Or is it loneliness,

Thinking of him because he is more tangible

Than some unknown that I haven't met yet

Or may meet any day now?

Or perhaps it is just regret

That we couldn't still be friends,

For that part of our relationship was always good.

We were best friends.

I love him as a friend.

I care about him and wonder whether he cares

Or thinks about me at all.

I wish I could make him understand

That I am always his friend.

But any overture on my part

Would only be misunderstood.

So that is the answer.

He has closed a door in my life

That should be open,

If only a crack

Just so that I can peek through

And perhaps reach a hand out to him

To clasp hands as friend to friend.