Black Singles Dot Com: How Much Is Love Worth?

This has been bothering me for a while, but I didn't want to appear harsh, judgmental or persnickety. But it's been two months now since I first noticed the trend and I have got to speak on it. I'm not expecting corroboration or validation - I just need to get it off my considerable chest and understand what it is about it that bothers me exactly.

Okay, enough stalling. I'm talking about membership fees and the men or women (trying hard to be impartial here) who don't pay them.

When I signed up at Black Singles Connection[i] (BSC) in 2003, I signed up as a non-subscriber on a free 7-day trial. I began communicating with folks, so when the free trial ended, I subscribed in order to maintain my ability to communicate via email and chat.

After about four months, life and financial situations merited a choice. It was necessity vs. fluff, and my BSC subscription fell under the gun. Loathe to give up my communication, I succumbed to the temptation of coding my email address in parts of my lengthy introduction. Wouldn't you know it? Tasha, the site warden, found it. I mean, do you know how many profiles on there have email addresses? And they're not even cleverly disguised! Not one to give up easily, I waited a few months or so, then tried it again. Busted … again! So I retired (gracefully, I'd like to think) from the fray.

I mention the above, not because I want to highlight my not-so-stellar attempt to sidestep payment, but to tell you that my own angst on this topic bewilders me. It's now May 2005 and I don't even recall how or why I was prompted to resurrect my BSC profile. Maybe it was during one of my holiday hideaways from the influx of family and friends. You know - those moments when you, the single person, become aware of the fact that it's yet another holiday gathering for which you're grateful and enthused, but you're still without a significant other. Or maybe it was just a freebie promotion on BSC's part. In any case, I gave it another shot.

I was still not impressed by the fact that I would have to subscribe once my free trial ended if I wanted to continue communication, but hey, that decision was seven days away. Upon checking the minglemail[ii] I noticed that I had some emails from November of 2004 to February of 2005, and being ever the polite one, I responded - apologizing for the delay in response, non-membership, yadda yadda.

One person responded and we began communicating, so when my free time was up, with my finances now on point, I again subscribed. I noticed that in my absence the site had grown and changed. I'd done nothing to alter my intro (just updated my pictures) but I noticed that I got more responses.

In fact, I received numerous smiles, ecards and profiles daily. At first I felt like the wallflower at the dance who somehow, without even announcing her intent to run, was elected homecoming queen! It seemed as though girlfriend was all that and a bag of chips! But after responding and receiving a meager response, it slowly dawned on me that at least seventy percent of these ecard, smile, and profile senders had no subscriptions. I checked the profiles more closely. Fifty percent of them boldly stated, "Not a member. To contact me, IM me when I'm online." The other half included cleverly or not so cleverly disguised email addresses.

Now, I'm all about honesty and letting me know what I'm dealing with up front, so why were my sensibilities offended by these bald statements? After all, weren't they doing what I'd tried (unsuccessfully) to do? Weren't they being honest - another trait that's high on my list?

Why the angst?

Maybe I thought, if he's searching for a woman, how is he gonna take care of one when he can't even afford a subscription?

Or maybe he can but decided it's not important that he foot the bill for said endeavor?

Or maybe it was the tenets of my upbringing that unequivocally stated that the male should do the courting?

Or maybe it was the little deception of the email within the description, thereby avoiding the subscription fee?

As you can see, this really bothered me.

As a result I changed my parameters. Ignore all profile or card senders and only respond to emails. Satisfied with my decision, I began to avail myself of the chat room and message board. Then one day while chatting, I noticed a name pop into the chat room who'd sent me his profile the previous day. (Oops... guess he was a member after all. He could have just joined that day, but from the familiarity of the rest of the folk in the room, I kinda doubted that theory.) Hoping he'd forgotten about being ignored, I said hello and we chatted with each other and the rest of the room. He was a nice, funny, presentable guy. Strange - I never heard from him again.

No worries, I said to myself. That's just a coincidence, what are the odds of that happening again? Obviously pretty high, because the same week another ignored suitor appeared in the chat room.

I was forced to reevaluate my parameters to make allowances for the fact that some of the members on the site actually use the site's tools the way they were intended to be used. I was also reminded that, at one time due to financial circumstances, I too was unable to afford a membership. Just because I retired from the site as my solution didn't mean that others had to do the same. Where does it say that lack of finances negates the need for love, friendship or entertainment? Or that lack of finances makes us undeserving of the same?

So I guess what I've figured out is that parameters are a part of life, and we all have to decide where ours begin and end; what we consider permissible or impermissible. Even so, it behooves us to beware of our parameters gaining a life of their own and, as in my case, becoming erroneous preconceived notions.

[i] Now changed to BlackSingles.com

[ii] The site's internal mail system