Blue M & Ms the New Viagra?
...being Cited in Corruption of Minor Lawsuit
Taff E. Lushess' deposition describes a relationship where "we never talked much. When we weren't having sex, he'd be eating blue M&Ms." Lushess also expressed regret. "I never thought to use protection because he said that he had a vasectomy, though I guess a light should have gone on when he said that was one of his new weekly vocabulary words."
Spiotto, Sr. has filed a $50 million lawsuit against the makers of M&Ms, Mars, Incorporated.
According to family lawyer Fern Plantt, the suit is for corrupting a minor and hinges on an internal memo from Pfizer, the makers of Viagra. When blue M&Ms were used as a placebo, the memo claims they "caused males to sprout more wood than a Redwood forest." Plantt says that the memo was forwarded to Mars, who did not act on it. Calls to Mars, Inc. were met with the following statement: "We do not recollect having seen this document. However, we will say that blue M&Ms do not cause blindness, and they STILL DON'T melt in your mouth." Pfizer is currently preparing to sue Mars for patent infringement.
Meanwhile, Spiotto, Sr. says his son is "still horny and now has 14 cavities. He's developed quite a taste for those blue ones, and I don't have the heart to refuse him, but I don't dare let him out alone." The solution for now is "a Gold Pass to 30 adult sites, his own computer and lots of Kleenex."
The blue M&M trail promises to be polarizing. Interviewed on CNN's Larry King Live, Spiotto, Jr. was asked by King, "the blue ones, you eat 'em, and you feel how?" His response: "I eat the blue ones, and I look at the girls, and I want to eat them too." King then took a call from Toronto but was visibly shaken.
Published by Ed Druckman
Ed E. Druckman is a humorist for the web. He gives his views on current events in both text and video. You can find out more about him by visiting his MySpace profile. View profile
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2 Comments
Post a CommentLOL my favorite part of this article was the quote about 14 cavities. Very funny.
I thought it was the green ones that were the culprit - oh yeah that was like so 90s.