Bob's Last Day

911: 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I think I just witnessed a murder!

911: What is your current location?

Caller: I'm at home, in front of the TV.

911: You witnessed a murder there, in your house?

Caller: No, on TV!

911: Ma'am, it's a serious offense to make prank calls t...

Caller: It's not a prank!

911: Your name, please.

Caller: My name? My name is Liberty. Miss Liberty. My friends call me "Belle." Please help!

911: Okay, please calm down, ma'am.

Caller: But I think I just witnessed a murder!

911: Ma'am, I still don't understa...

Caller: I was watching the State of the Union address, and I think I saw the Constitution get murdered!

911: Ah, that. Yes, ma'am, we've gotten several calls about that already. I assure you that the Constitution is alive and well. For now.

Caller: You're sure? It looked so REAL!

911: I understand. I heard it got pretty bloody.

Caller: Oh, it was awful! The President attacked the Supreme Court! He said tha...

911: (aside) Hey, Bob. Pick up. This one's a keeper.

Caller: What?

911: Nothing, nothing. Just an standard internal 9-1-1 procedure. Please go on.

Caller: He insulted the Supreme Court Justices!

911: Th ... the SupremeCourt? One of the co-equal branches of government?

Caller: Yes! Right there, in front of Himself and everybody!

911: Hold on. The President stood there, on national television, and said the Supreme Court had "acted stupidly?"

Caller: Hmm. That sounds familiar.

911: (aside) Bob, buzz Dispatch. We may have a Pending Beer Summit Alert.

Caller: And then he fibbed about a Supreme Court decision!

Bob: You don't say! A politician, lying. Hang on - I'll alert the media.

911: (aside) Cut it out, Bob.

Caller: And it wasn't just incompetence, either. The President knew it wasn't true!

911: Now, how do you know that?

Caller: Because he was reading from a teleprompter! Two of them!

Bob: Maybe George Bush snuck in and changed the teleprompter copy.

911: (aside) WHACK!

Caller: What was that?

911: Nothing, nothing. By the way, can you help us confirm a previous caller's statement?

Caller: I, uh, I can try.

911: Someone else phoned in a report that Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, might be involved in narcotics trafficking.

Caller: No!

911: Well, apparently, the Speaker was observed having some kind of involuntary spasms. Leaping out of her seat, several dozen times during the speech. Stuff like that.

Caller: You know, you're right! She did do that. Plus, she parachuted into the room and pole-vaulted to the podium.

Bob: Oh, I can't breathe.

911: (aside) Bob...

Caller: And now that you mention it - at one point during the speech, an aide in a loud red dress handed her a little white packet. I thought it was just a note!

Bob: And then there's that weird, Salvador Dali droopy-face thing going on, too.

911: (aside) WHACK!

Bob: (aside) Wha-ha-ha-t?? What'd I say?

Caller: Actually, a lot of the Congresswomen showed up wearing pretty loud outfits. When the camera panned the crowd, the place looked like a bag of Peanut M&Ms.

911: Can't help you there, ma'am.

Caller: Come to think of it, Joe Biden looked pretty wired on something, too. All that clenched-jaw grinning. All that pouty, professorial nodding. All those teeth!

911: We'll look into it. Any other observations about the alleged murder?

Caller: No, I don't think there wa ... oh, wait! I almost forgot!

911: Go ahead?

Caller: The President spoke about some bill that Congress had just refused to sign.

911: As well he might. And?

Caller: Well, then the President said it didn't matter. It didn't even matter what Congress did! He said he would just sign an executive order, and do what he wanted anyway!

911: He. Did. Not.

Caller: He did! I saw it!

911: The President blew off the other co-equal branch of government, too?

Caller: See? It's murder! The Constitution is dead!

911: Calm down, ma'am.

Caller: But the Constitu...

911: It's gonna be fine, ma'am. I assure you. The Constitution has survived much worse than this.

Caller: But can't we do something? Can we sue somebody? Can you find me a lawyer?

Bob: Phht. Can we find you a lawyer? In America? Are you kidding me? Ever seen a phone book? Ads for attorneys on the front cover, back cover, inside covers, and those little tabbed pull-out page thingies. Not to mention all those fridge magnets.

911: (aside) Bob, I've just abou...

Caller: And then, after the State of the Union speech, the President flew off to Florida to announce an $8 billion bullet train, to help people not get to the jobs they don't have, really fast.

911: Whew. You're right - this guy is out of control. Okay, ma'am. We'll send out a SWAT van to pick him up.

Bob: Two vans.

911: (aside) Bob...

Caller: Two?

Bob: Yeah. One for him, one for his ego.

911: WHACK!