Bonding with Your Child

With this fast paced world and all of the modern conveniences at our finger tips, it is almost amazing that an infant could want for anything. But, studies report that most infants are lacking one crucial Element of their development. They are lacking consistent affection from their parents. This has dire consequences for the child's emotional growth and is demonstrated in various ways through various decisions throughout the child's life.

Consider the western mother. Especially during these difficult economic times, she is usually a working mother. Usually her baby spends more of his/her waking hours with a child care worker. These workers usually care for many babies, thus, they are not able to give undivided attention to one child. Even when the mother stays home, she is still quite busy, making sure that there is not a particle of dust anywhere and the house looks presentable for guests. Furthermore, most mothers involve themselves in other activities that take their time and focus. I am not degrading the importance of these activities. However, the child usually spends more of his/her time in a contained place with toys to occupy him/herself so that the mother can get these chores done. The baby is not out of sight, unless a baby monitor has been installed. The mother feels that she is spending time with the child because she can make eye contact and coo at the child from time to time. Besides, she does take time out of her day to change the child's diapers or nappies and warm the child's bottles.

There are many pieces of baby furniture to make the baby comfortable and to occupy the baby. There is the pumpkin seat, the carrier, the stroller, the playpen, the swing, the jumping seat, the walker, and last but not least, the crib or baby bed. There are toys to stimulate babies, CDs to sing to babies, television programs to teach babies and a wonderful baby monitor or camera for parents to view it all, yet not have to give their entire attention to the infant. The parent becomes an observer, not a key player in baby's daily activities. Most of the time, the baby is being held and (in some cases) rocked by inanimate objects. Certainly the baby does learn to stimulate himself, because a parent has more important things to do than to occupy an infant. Lastly, when it is time to relax at the end of the day, the baby is placed alone in their crib (usually in their own room) and the parents enjoy sleep in their own bed.

Isn't it quite strange that developmental charts will go to great lengths to measure a child's physical growth and cognitive abilities, yet rarely ask questions that address his/her emotional health? In order to do this, however, it would have to include such topics as: a parent's undivided attention, physical contact with the child and understanding/responding to baby's needs.

We, as mothers justify our behavior by discharging the mantra, "We are raising children who will be self sufficient and independent."
But, is that really the case? And at what price?
In this situation, we are giving a child independence that a child can't handle and certainly does not want. If the child really could have its choice, they most prefer to be with their parents. In fact, most children cry when their parents are not giving them enough time and affection. Go into any child care facility and you will find many children who are experiencing anxiety about separating from their parents. From the time we sever the umbilical cord, we seem to be on a mission to also sever the apron strings. As a mother, I find it disappointing, in western society that we desire to encourage individuality and freedom, yet, when a child openly expresses his need to be physically and emotionally close to the parent, we ridicule the child for having such desires. Some even chide the child for being "spoiled." We give the child tons of things that the child does not need or require, yet won't give him/her what he most often asks for. How many times have you heard a child cry because he wanted to be alone in his own crib, or have his own room? It is not until the child gets older, does he/she desire privacy. And, even then, it is not from a parent, rather from a smaller sibling. Desiring privacy from parents does not occur until the child reaches puberty. Your child will not stay young forever. Don't worry, they will tell you when it is time for them to be independent. Don't worry about spoiling your child. This is a myth (Attachment parenting).

Helpful hints:
Here are some helpful hints to stay emotionally connected with your baby. Some of these hints do infringe on the parents' free time, space and energy for self. However, your child is worth it.

Each day, take at least an hour out just to focus on your baby. It is not time to have a parallel life to your child. You need to know what your child likes, how your child responds and be able to predict his/her moods and issues. When you have an attachment to someone, it is because you are close to them and you know them well. You know when your best friend Is stressed and you know what to say and do to make them feel more at ease. You know what your significant other's favorite food is and you probably know just when to cook it to make him or her feel comforted. The same holds true with your baby. When you know your baby and respond to his/her cues, you build trust and a sense of security. Your baby will feel confident in the fact that all of his/her needs will be met (Attachment parenting). Your baby will understand that he/she can rely on you thus; their anxiety is lessened or frequently eliminated. When you notice that your baby might be getting hungry, you can begin to prepare to meet his/her needs. This does not mean that you should immediately drop everything when your baby displays the least amount of comfort. But, it does mean that you are aware of your child's cues; respond to them and eventually he/she will get her need met. If the baby starts to mouth his/her fingers, for example, that is a cue that he/she is getting hungry. When you notice that your baby might be getting hungry, you can prepare for feeding. Don't wait until the need is so great that he/she is heavily crying. This means that you have ignored his/her first cues. If you take time to know your child, you will understand how to connect and communicate with him/her.

Your nonverbal language is quite important to the baby. Forget about the economy, house chores and just enjoy your baby. Smile and laugh with your baby. A smile, eye contact and open arms are all encouraging nonverbal clues to your baby.

Talk to your baby. Many people talk at their baby and only speak to them in a childish singsong voice. Babies have been, in most cases, in the mother's stomach for more than nine months. Your voice and the voices of those whom they hear often are soothing. Don't miss an opportunity to tell your baby that they are loved. It is good for them to hear you talk and laugh. Remember that although they do not understand the exact words, they can sense when you are stressed. They feel and hear your expression. Use mild and loving tones that will invoke security. Talk to your baby, even when he/she can't see you. One of the first words that your baby will learn is his/her name. Thus, even when you are doing other activities, talk to your baby, instead of yourself.
Encourage your baby to respond. Wait a few seconds, as if your baby will respond to your question. Your baby loves to hear your voice. You can even sing to your baby. This is better than any child's Cassette, video or CD.

Kiss your baby.
Kissing is an intimate sign of affection. The kiss of most parents is even known to "cure a baby's injured body and pride. Don't be afraid of germs.

Babies love touch. Abandon the bulky furniture. Instead of carrying your child in an infant seat, carry him/her in your arms, a front pack or a sling. This will permit your baby to be closer to you. Children also love to be held, so sit him/her on your lap instead of keeping him/her in that awkward plastic seat. Additionally, refrain from propping the bottle. Hold the baby in your arms when you feed him/her. This also gives you more time with the baby. You will also be able to understand his/her needs if he/she is closer to you. You can more easily comfort and warm him/her (The family bed).

Lay and play with your baby. Sit down on the floor when playing with your baby. Another alternative is to bring your baby to the same level that you are sitting. When your baby is playing on the floor, try to do activities quite near him/her. If your activity does not allow you to sit on the floor with him/her, sit close enough to tap him/her with your foot or touch him/her with your hand from time to time. I do recommend the family bed for sleeping, but even if you are opposed to this, there is nothing wrong with taking short naps with your child. Snuggle with your child while you are watching a TV program. Remember that space is a concept that is culturally learned. Your baby has no concept of this, so enjoy the bond.

Bathe with your baby.
Again, the skin-to-skin contact here is pertinent toward developing a great bond. The effects of affection can not be stressed enough. This is one more way that parents can develop a routine that provides stability and builds trust between parent and child. It is not necessary to do this every day; however, bathing with your baby once a week will give them more time to be close and you can enjoy your time together(Build an attachment). This also helps your baby feel comfortable in the water.

Be confident.
Ignore those who say that you are spoiling your baby. You know what your baby needs. Certainly, it might be easier and more convenient for you to ignore your baby's needs. However, putting your wants on hold will make your baby feel quite secure. Your baby will not be an infant forever. When your child is older, he/she will feel confident enough to venture out into the world because you have given the unconditional love and security that your child needs to be successful.

Although it might take a bit more time, it is important to make a long lasting bond with your child. Children perform attachments to the daily mundane experiences such as feeding, changing, bathing, and time spent. Enjoy these experiences with your child. I guarantee, you won't regret it, on the other hand, if you decide not to implement these strategies, you might regret not spending enough time with your infant. Enjoy your baby.

Sources:
"Attachment parenting,"
http://www.apa.org/monitor/sep95/attach.html
"Build an attachment," http://babyparenting.about.com/od/babies212months/a/buildattachment_2.htm
"the Family bed,"
http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/family_bed.html