Bonding With Your Newborn: Can Things Go Wrong?

In order to facilitate the bonding between mother and child, hospitals encourage a new mother to hold her newborn after birth and to cuddle and nurse him for ten minutes up to an hour after being born. New mothers often expect this to be the highlight of their pregnancy - the reward after the many hardships of pregnancy and birth - but even though there are mothers who instantly fall in love with their baby, other parents take a longer time to get to know and love their child.

Some parents report that they felt that the baby was like a stranger in their arms or that they did not experience
that overwhelming emotion that they felt with their other children if this was their second or third delivery. This lukewarm limbo of emotion where the parent fails to feel that strong attachment to her child causes the new mother to have feelings of guilt or incompetence.

In simple terms, since the new mother expects to fall head over heals in love with her baby the instant she sees him, she feels guilty and thinks there is something wrong with her because she did not instantly love her newborn.

What is normal?

The truth about bonding is that mothers ( and fathers) often have unrealistic expectations about birth and the first few hours after birthing. The reality is that exhaustion after labor and delivery, grogginess from medication, pain from an incision, and the feeling of being overwhelmed by an enormous responsibility can all contribute to the mother not feeling an instant bond with her baby.

A particularly problematic pregnancy, a traumatic delivery, neonatal complications that keep the child in an incubator for weeks, some level of postnatal depression and the hardships associated with the drastic changes when the baby is finally home can also hinder the formation of the attachment between parent and child.

Then there is the case of adoptive parents, who in most cases are not able to see their child days, sometimes even months, after the baby is born.

Even if all these situations are perfectly normal, many parents struggle with the lack of that overwhelming love for their child in those first few days, and still feel there is something wrong with them, so in reality is there a time when bonding should occur?

When should bonding occur?

In the 70's the bonding theory suggested that mothers should spend the first 16 hours, of the baby's first day, together in order to establish a healthy relationship between mother and child. A little over 40 years later experts agree that the kind of love that lasts a life time usually fully develops in the second half of the baby's year.

Notwithstanding this many mothers (and fathers) still feel guilty because deep down they did not fully bond with their child in the first days. Some complain that they feel the baby felt like a stranger in their arms. Others feel let down because their newborn did not look anything like they had imagined, while others are simply at loss because they are scared of handling a fragile newborn and don't know how to soothe the baby when he or she starts crying.

A reality check

The first moments a parent and a child spend together mark only the beginning of the long and complex process of getting to know and love each other and this beginning can take place in a hospital bed hours after birth, through the portholes of an incubator or even days or weeks after childbirth when the baby is finally home.

The truth is that new parents often struggle with physical exhaustion and abysmally high anxiety and all these feelings of guilt and sometimes even incompetence are perfectly normal.

Though many of us parents idealize the first time we met our child, and that moment will be a cherished moment in the lifetime of many, that kind of love that will fill your heart and transform you for the rest of your life develops in the months and years when you hold, cuddle and play with your infant. Just like a tree bearing beautiful flowers and fruit you just have to give time to your love to grow and flourish.

Works cited

Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenberg, Sandee Hathway "What to expect the first year"