Bonding Without Bottles: A Guide for Grandparents of Bottle-Free Breastfed Children

When a new baby arrives in the family, grandparents look forward to spending time with their grandchild. Some frustrations can occur when a grandchild is breastfed, especially when the baby does not eat from a bottle. However, those frustrations need not lead to any interruption in the bonding between grandparent and grandchild, once clarification is given about some of the issues involved.

Understanding the Bottle Ban
As grandparents, we may expect to feed the baby when we visit and a little later, to baby-sit. Parents also look forward to the time that they can drop off a child with grandparents, but when a baby or toddler is breastfed and bottle-free, the opportunities for bonding are different than the grandparent may have expected.

A primary need of the breastfeeding pair is that the child avoids anything that interferes with his ability to properly latch to the breast. Early introduction of the pacifier or bottle can create nipple preference and cause significant conflict with the child's ability to nurse. Mothers who are aware of this problem might choose to avoid unnecessary use of artificial nipples. This decision is based on the desire to successfully continue breastfeeding, and is a positive choice for mothers who do not wish to wean prematurely or switch to formula.

There are other reasons a mother may make the decision against bottle use. Some women find it difficult to express their milk with a breast pump, contrary to the belief that it is always a simple process where she should "just put some milk into a bottle". In addition, pumping unnecessarily complicates the efficiency of breastfeeding, increasing the mother's duties to include finding time to pump, filling bottles, careful storage and transport of the milk, washing the parts of the machine, then washing bottles and nipples after use. While the mother is at home with the baby, pumping to build up a supply of stored milk doesn't happen "instead of" nursing - it is in addition to nursing, doubling the time the mother spends on feeding tasks.

Separation of a breastfed baby from their mother has potential negative effects on the baby's food supply - when a mother skips a nursing session to allow someone to give the baby a bottle, her breasts don't get the message. They "know" when it is time to nurse and fill with milk right on time. This creates uncomfortable, even painful engorgement for the mother. Becoming engorged sends a signal to the body to produce less milk. If this is allowed to occur on a regular basis, the child's supply of food is reduced as the mother produces less and less milk.

Left unattended, engorgement puts the mother at risk of plugged ducts or worse, mastitis, an infection that needs medical treatment and is extremely painful. The only solution to engorgement, if she cannot immediately nurse her baby, is to bring along a breast pump, and stop whatever activity she is involved in to express the milk from her breasts. Going to a movie or out to dinner is not the promised break when it involves such discomfort and hassle. A rejection of the offer to baby-sit so mom can go out isn't meant as a rejection of grandma - it's simply that "going out without the baby" isn't always what it's cracked up to be, and a mom who knows that is rejecting the hassle and risk to her health and milk supply.

Some might suggest using formula while grandparents baby-sit. This does not address the problems of nipple preference, painful engorgement and needing to stop and pump, and it adds another risk - disruption of the child's gut integrity.

A breastfed child's gastrointestinal tract is inhabited by healthy gut microbes that allow proper digestion and help keep out disease-producing bacteria and viruses as well as foreign proteins that may trigger allergic reactions. When a food that is not yet biologically appropriate or expected is introduced, the correct balance of microflora is disrupted. Formula is paradoxically based on two of the most common known allergens for infants: cow's milk or soy. Typical but often accepted symptoms of less than optimal gut health in babies fed formula or fed solids too early are gas, cramps and constipation.

When gut microbes are out of balance due to ingestion of a food other than breastmilk, inflammation to the lining of the gut can occur. This makes the lining more permeable, and allows foreign proteins, bacteria or viruses to enter the child's system. Parents who know the concept of the healthy or "virgin" gut may reject any use of formula as well as early introduction of solids. It is a health care decision on their part and truly not designed to frustrate eager, loving grandparents.

Babymooning
Another conflict that may arise is the belief that the breastfeeding mother is too protective if she does not want to go out without the baby, that she and the baby are "too attached" or even that she is too nervous or anxious to leave her baby. While a nursing mom may experience a fierce protective instinct, often she is experiencing a feeling similar to falling in love. In an effect similar to what couples experience during the first "honeymoon" phase of a relationship, the pair simply has no desire to be apart. They strongly prefer to be together. A mother may find herself feeling just this way about her baby. While others are seeking to "give her a break" by getting her to go out without the baby along, she might decline - the babymoon isn't over yet. Later on there will be plenty of days where a mother is fed up, worn out and really does need a break!

So, if a grandparent can't give the baby a bottle, and separation between mother and child is minimized until the nursing interval is long enough to avoid the problems involved, how does a grandparent hope to establish that unique, loving bond so special to them?

A Bottleful of Love
Our culture and many others include food sharing in the expression of love. We learn from an early age how gratifying it is to offer food to a fellow creature; even feeding pets brings a feeling of satisfaction. When it comes to our own kin, offerings of food are literally, offerings of love. Rest assured, that the period of time you are unable to offer food to your new grandbaby is fleeting in the scheme of things. By the age of one, the vast majority of children are able to enjoy a variety of simple foods.

For now, there are still many ways for a grandparent to get to know the new family member. Remember, nursing is only the one thing no one else can do - and that means, everything else is fair game!

The most elemental aspects of bonding have nothing to do with food - touch and eye contact. Maximize both when you are with your grandbaby. Carry the baby in between nursing sessions, at home or on outings. Instead of letting the baby lay in a carrier or stroller, hold the baby in arms. If you can, learn to babywear - baby's mom may be able to teach you how to use the baby's favorite sling or wrap carrier. Change the baby - every mom knows that some of the sweetest bonding moments happen on the changing table. Bathe or dress the baby, or let the baby sleep in your arms after they fall asleep, milk-drunk, at their mother's breast. Nothing is sweeter than a sleeping babe in arms.

Show your expertise by paying attention to the baby's needs - by handing the baby back to mom for nursing when you detect rooting movements or hunger noises, mom will be impressed and feel respected. She will be much quicker to hand you the baby when she knows you won't hesitate to pass the baby back. Relatives who won't relinquish the baby even when it is rooting, fussing or crying make moms even more protective and less likely to let the baby out of her arms next time.

To Grandmother's House We Go
When a breastfed child grows out of the early infant stage, grandparents might look forward to continuing the bond with day trips and overnights. There are some practical considerations that may contribute to the parents' decisions about sending their older infant or toddler for daylong outings or overnights with relatives.

A child's sleep needs may be part of the parents' decisions about long separations. In a family where the parents wish their child to be breastfeed till one year or later, or where weaning happens by the child's lead, bedtime often includes nursing to sleep. In the early months, babies automatically fall asleep during nursing. Parents may choose to include this efficient tool in the bedtime routine throughout the nursing relationship since it is often the most reliable way to get the child to sleep.

Children show wide variety in their development of sleep milestones. A few will go to sleep early on for anyone, a few will insist on 'mother only' for a very long time, and most grow out of nursing at bedtime in a gradual way. Bedtime decisions parents make about sleep are not calculated to leave out grandparents, but are simply a combination that best meets the needs of the child's immediate family at that time.

Families of later-weaning children, especially children who nurse as part of the bedtime routine, often hold firm that their children's sleep needs will be handled in a way that allows for normal developmental stages. In such families, children are usually not "sleep-trained". What this can mean is two things: One, the parents do not allow the child to cry themselves to sleep at naptimes or at night, but believe in parenting a child to sleep. Two, the child may still be nursing during the night. For a mother/child pair who nurses to sleep and may nurse again during the night, an overnight stay with anyone is not yet possible. Keep in mind; the operative word is "yet".

As the child grows into toddlerhood, the time interval between nursing sessions also grows. Even if long visits or overnights aren't happening yet, there are now even more ways to spend time together, deepening the bond you share. One grandmother found time to spend with her grandson by riding along on errands with him and his mother and offering to go with the toddler to a park for an hour while her daughter shopped alone or met a friend or her husband for a quick coffee. Perhaps your daughter or daughter-in-law might drop the two of you off at a local library's story time while she heads to the supermarket for groceries or attends a meeting.

Brief outings help build up to the day when they will stay with you all evening as their parents see a movie or have a dinner date. Getting from one hour to overnight can't happen all at once, it happens in small steps. Before you know it, your grandchild will be showing you how they can ride a bike, telling you all about their new teacher and asking when they can come and spend the night, for no particular reason other than they just want to spend time with you.

Although differences of parenting styles between generations are always a touchy issue, parents and grandparents would agree that at the end of the day, what the grandkids really need is a loving grandparent who spends time with them. The children aren't going to look back and be disappointed that their grandma never gave them a bottle or that they weren't going off for sleepovers before they potty trained. What food you shared and where you were during what time of day, isn't going to matter as much as the fact that you were there, loving them.