Book Review: 90 Days to a Fantastic Marriage by David Hawkins

Title: 90 Days to a Fantastic Marriage: How to Bring Out the Soul Mate in Your Mate
Author: David Hawkins
Publisher: Tyndale, Carol Stream
Copyright: 2009
Pages: 215
ISBN: 978-1-4143-2324-4
Genre: Non-fiction/marriage

My husband and I recently moved. As a result, everywhere we visited, no one knew us. In one church, an older woman sat behind us. Before we left the service, she said, "I can just tell you two are in love." We smiled at her. She seemed like a nice woman, and I took her comment as a compliment because that seemed to be her intent.

But I knew what was coming as soon as we made it safely outside everyone else's hearing. "In love? How about married?" my husband said. I chuckled. He finds certain romantic phrases distasteful-in love and soul mates being at the top of the list.

Why? Because he believes that love is a choice, not a gushy feeling. What do you do when you don't feel like you're in love anymore? What do you do when you discover that you are no longer "soul mates" with your spouse? If these are the goals of your marriage, I suppose you just give up at this point and divorce. But we believe that when you marry, you make the decision to stick it out through good and bad, regardless of how you feel from moment to moment.

I admit, we were holding hands and having a particularly good time that Sunday morning. We have a similar sense of humor, so we were holding in giggles about things we both found funny. But every day isn't like that. I disagree with him, I get upset, I say things I shouldn't. But these are the times that make me most grateful that my husband does see love as a choice he makes.

The Soul Mate Plan
After I began to read 90 Days to a Fantastic Marriage, I soon discovered it revolves around the concept of "soul mates." In this book, Hawkins claims you can turn your spouse into your soul mate by following his twelve-week plan:

• Consider your situation from another perspective.
• Focus on the positive.
• Bring out the best qualities of your mate by expressing gratitude for those qualities and actions.
• Remember your qualities that first attracted your spouse and put conscious effort toward maintaining those qualities.
• Focus fully on achieving soul mate status.
• Start a chain reaction of positivity.
• Value your mate's dreams and help bring them to life.
• Teach your mate to do the same for your dreams.
• Present your best self at home.
• Say good things to others about your mate.
• Initiate change by encouraging, thanking, or praising your mate for things done well, service, etc.
• Admire each other.

90 Days to a Fantastic-Uh, Phantasm
The positivity approach certainly isn't new. I think it appears, in some form, in most serious marriage improvement books. And Hawkins probably knows what he's talking about. After all, he's counseled for over thirty years. But 90 Days to a Fantastic Marriage leaves much to be desired.

For one thing, what do you do when you would like to see an OK marriage transformed into a great one, but your partner sees no problem with your current relationship? Hawkins claims that one spouse can use his book to "start the transformation" (xvii), but many of the assignments he gives require the cooperation of both spouses. So much for that claim.

Hawkins implies that you can't enjoy the best possible marriage when you seek "pleasure and meaning outside your marriage" (71). And he's not talking about an affair. In the pleasure category, he includes TV, eating, sleeping, exercising, and really anything "desirable" (75).

To be sure, all such things need balance. A person can become obsessed or addicted with sports or shopping, just as well as with alcohol, gambling, or other traditional addictions that can damage intimate relationships. But to imply that pleasure or meaning outside of marriage distracts you from marriage doesn't seem right to me. I've observed plenty of people with good marriages who have multiple goals and values. And most couples I know actually benefit from pursuing interests outside their marriage and apart from each other-on a moderate basis.

Hawkins on Soul Mates? No, Thanks.
In fact, the whole soul-mate concept seems to miss the mark. I admit that Hawkins's use of the term hit my negative bias at the very beginning. But I also realize the term can convey the idea of best friends, intimate friends. Unfortunately, Hawkins frequently describes soul mates as finishing each other's sentences, laughing easily, sharing secret smiles and looks, and anticipating each other's needs. That's not his entire definition, of course. But these things aren't what a good marriage is about-at least, not in my book.

Some people actually consider it rude when other people finish sentences for them. It seems presumptuous to say you know what the other person is thinking. And some people find it annoying to be interrupted.

As for laughing easily, I have encountered people who kept me laughing the whole time they talked, but I wouldn't trust them or call them dependable. And I don't know any close friendship that can survive without trust.

And as for anticipating each other's needs? Sure, sometimes you can easily read the people you know well. You plan a surprise or volunteer for a job that delights your spouse. That's always a fun moment. But no one I have ever met wants to be rated on his or her ability to read a spouse's mind. Ever been frustrated because your spouse didn't communicate thoughts, feelings, or needs, and then you messed up because you didn't know? I say, let anticipating needs be a bonus of a good relationship, not a defining mark of one.

A Little Responsibility? Yes, Please.
Hawkins claims, "The reality, after all, is that you can make your marriage what you want to make it. The reality is that you can, using the tools offered in this book, move your marriage from mediocre to marvelous. There are no limits" (78). Sounds great, just like the book's title. The problem is that the claim is not true.

Yes, for change to come, someone has to take responsibility and start working toward change. But a relationship involves two people. And if one doesn't want to cooperate, you've got limits. You can only take responsibility for your own thoughts, words, actions, and choices. You cannot control those of your spouse. And you probably shouldn't try. In most circles, that's called manipulation.

By all means, let's encourage each other to take responsibility in our relationships, but not with empty promises.

Hawkins lumps the Golden Rule, actually one of Christ's commands, in with "common platitudes" such as "One good turn deserves another" and "What you give is what you'll get" (197). The Golden Rule certainly isn't a platitude, and it doesn't even mean the same as the others in the list. The others present a fair-exchange philosophy. However, Jesus taught the Golden Rule as a responsibility of His followers. We are to treat others courteously regardless of how they treat us.

And on the flip side of every responsibility is a privilege or freedom. No matter how our spouses (or others) treat us, we have the freedom to choose how we respond. Just because someone treats us wrong doesn't mean we have to plunge into a pit of anger, depression, or bitterness-all emotions which can cause serious mental and physical health complications.

Now that is reality.