Book Review of The Normal One by Dr. Jeanne Safer

The Normal One wisely said that in a family structure containing both "normal" and "special needs" people, it is, if you'll pardon the expression, "normal" for those who are "normal" to be jealous, resentful, or fed-up of the "not-normal" one at different times and for different reasons.

While this book focuses on the fact that "normal" siblings who must co-exist with disabled siblings often suffer by means of missing opportunities to bring friends to a home environment with a potentially disturbed or disturbing individual, participate in extracurricular activities, get the love and attention that they should from their parents, etc., it also tacitly acknowledges that disabled siblings may be jealous of the opportunities or material and social success their normal siblings enjoy, and this can add friction to already-strained family relations; relatively few of the stories included are cases where "normal" and "disabled' siblings have constructively handled these issues; there is occasionally a brief look at the "normals" who find a way to constructively incorporate the disabled/damaged family member into their world, such as the "normal" girl who gave her mentally disabled sister the task of being her accessories and makeup helper when dressing up for dates; or the one who chose a single-sex womens' college, so comparing her and her brother's paths in adulthood would be comparing apples and oranges. Sadly, this book does not give very many constructive suggestions as these for "doing things right" in family situations where there are one or more of the physically disabled, mentally compromised, or emotionally disturbed, but instead focuses on how they can often dramatically go wrong.

Larger are the numbers of "normal" siblings who carry a heavy load of "survivor guilt", or end up going to extreme measures, such as moving their family to France, in one instance, in an effort to set appropriate "boundaries" or achieve a respite after being pushed too far or taking on too much, or, in the case of the France-bound family, having their families and themselves put in danger. This book was written before "compassion fatigue" became a recognized phenomena, yet it described how "normal" children whose social and scholastic success are often taken for granted by those around them can quite justifiably develop this condition or feel neglected, even by parents who do not try to neglect them, but are simply overwhelmed themselves.

This book got slammed by some reviewers on Amazon.com, and with good reason. Some of the terms and descriptions of disabled individuals are outdated and/or stereotypical; some reviewers seem to think Dr. Safer has called for a return to institutionalization as a means of dealing with troubling family members even though states across the country have rapidly been doing away with them and the culture now condemns them. Dr Safer could do better by calling for extended family or specialized support services to help lighten the load; but she does say that sometimes families of the disabled, through ignorance of other options or fear that they will be seen as inadequate for not shouldering the load by themselves, fail to do their homework on available social services and other options for disabled family members which may well make everyone happier, as in the case of some special needs individuals who languished in their family homes, but ended up happier in group homes with regular activities that appealed to them. Some others have criticized her Freudian preconceptions, which have inspired her to take some pages from Shakespeare and dream up the phenomenon of "Caliban Syndrome", wherein as much as the damaged/disturbed/disabled family member is seen as an embarrassment or pariah, the "normal" one who must co-exist with the Caliban, initially presented as a superimposition of the too-perfect Miranda, may also be relegated to the role of Caliban at times for the often unrecognized dirty work they must do to support whatever elephant may be in that particular room. Only in the beginning of the book when describing her own family structure in her formative years does Dr. Safer acknowledge that Calibans may often be "made" as well as born; her brother's only diagnosis was being a fat slob, and his only wrongdoing was being born at a bad time, yet he was virtually segregated and mistrusted in his own home, and lashed out in turn, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Condemned as "Calibans" are, they often serve a vital function in the family system, and actual exile is often short-lived:

He does make our fire,
Fetch our wood, and serves in offices
That profit us.
(p.50.)
The fact that it was my job to light the old gas stove's pilot light pretty much says it all.