Book Review: Talk to Me like I'm Someone You Love by Nancy Dreyfus

There are so many relationship books out there that it's hard for an author to really come up with something fresh and new and helpful. And yet that is exactly what Nancy Dreyfus has been able to do with her new book, Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love. Dr. Dreyfus, a seasoned psychotherapist, has found a creative way to help couples communicate more lovingly and authentically in the midst of conflict. Born out of a spontaneous moment in session, her idea to have couples use flashcards to deescalate arguments and clarify communication, is both unusual and effective.

The idea of using flashcards to change the course of conversation or articulate your feelings may seem a bit contrived to some; and in fact it can be an awkward shift in dialogue the first time you try it. Stopping mid-argument to flip through this book to find the "right" flashcard may not appeal to everyone and certainly takes a bit of effort. Deciding whether you want to 'clarify' or 'set a boundary' can be challenging during any conversation, let alone in the midst of conflict. And of course there is the issue of where to keep the book so that you can access the flashcards when you need them. So if flash cards can be cumbersome to use, why bother? Quite simply, because they work. Like any solution to your relationship issues, success depends heavily on your effort but with a willing attitude you can take this flashcards and create a new way to talk with the person you love.

The use of flashcards is effective for a variety of reasons. First of all it physically slows down the process of your conversation. The time it takes to pick up the book or flip to the right page is like a mini timeout; an opportunity to stop reacting to each other and regain some composure. It also forces couples to move their interaction from the instinctive, emotionally charged areas of the brain to the more rational, "thinking" part allowing you to be less reactive and more compassionate in your responses. In an easy to apply manner, Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love helps couples to change their communication pattern in the moment when it counts most. And as Dr. Dreyfus, points out, simply reading the flashcards and their accompanying explanations can be transformative in and of itself. Like the multiplication flash cards from grade school, some messages just need to be committed to memory for quick recall when you need them. As you read though this book some flashcards will resonate more than others, giving you the words for feelings that may have gone unexpressed in the past.

Talk to Me Like You Love Me is organized into nine distinct sections in an effort to make finding the right card a little easier. Indicative of her years of experience helping couples, the author has identified some of the most common messages that couples struggle with. From apologizing to gathering more information to making up and reconnecting, there literally is a flashcard for nearly any relational situation. While you may be hesitant at first to hand your partner a flashcard, I encourage you to try it. The impact of seeing your emotions clearly stated in print (and having it read by your significant other) is more powerful than you might imagine. In speech we are often careless with our words, especially when emotions are high. But our written communication, particularly when we have such a skilled couples therapist choosing the words for us, is often more accurate and more loving. Whether you choose to read the book as a guide to inform your interaction later or actively engage in the process of using the flashcards in the moment, this book can help you learn how to talk to your partner like you really love them.