Boomerang Children: When Is it Time to Let Them Go?

Boomerangers are adult children who have moved away from home, and for some reason have found it necessary to move back in with Mom and Dad. According to Pew Research, 13% of the parents asked about children moving back home said that at least one of their sons or daughters had come back to live with them in the last year.¹ It may be a sign of changing relationships, or it may just be a sign of the time. There are parents all over the country wondering when enough is enough.

Some children complicate it even further, doing the doing a double, triple, or quadruple "boomerang." They get into a cycle of moving out, trying to make it on their own, and moving back in again. Of course, it is frustrating for these adult children, but it is also maddening for their parents.

There may be times when the parents and children are so anxious to go their separate ways, that the children move out before they are ready, thus beginning this crazy boomerang cycle. It is a good idea to make sure that the adult children have the skills they need to make it on their own.

First of all, adult children may need to complete some kind of education. Whether that means finishing a college education, doing an apprenticeship with a trade, or going to a community college for a certificate program, preparation is essential. The extra time it takes could be worth it if it keeps the adult child on her own for good.

Adult children also need life skills before they will be able to make it in the real world. They need to know financial skils. Make sure your child learns everything from how to manage his checking account to how to handle credit. Impress on him the need to pay bills on time and make a budget each month. Convince him to work on these skills while he is still in your home.

Yet, sometimes adult children do not see the need of moving out. Children, even adult children, often have the mistaken notion that their parents have all the money they need. If the parents are quiet about their needs and do not ask others for help, the children may never know when times are tight for them. They also may not realize that retirement is just years away, and their parents may not be financially ready for it yet.

The parents need to drive the point home that they have needs too. They do not have to expose all their financial information; they just need to get through to them that they cannot support their children forever. If the adult child just cannot move out, this may be a time to talk about rent and sharing household expenses.

Still, there will usually eventually come a time when the boomerangers will need to move out for good. The question is: When will that time be?

1. If the adult child has children of her own, she needs to look for any way possible to move out. Many young people live at home, using Grandma as a babysitter indiscriminately, leaving the raising of their children up to her. Unless the parents are physically or mentally unable, this is an untenable situation in the long run. Grandparents end up doing the lion's share of the work and the grandchildren end up being confused about who is in charge.

2. When adult children are using their money to buy frivolous things and still living at home, it is time to cut the apron strings. There is no reason that they should get free room and board while they spend their money on lavish gifts for themselves or others. They need to learn responsibility, even if it is within the parent's home. If they truly cannot move out, make sure they are paying a fair share of household expenses.

3. Your adult child may not like the rules of the house. This often happens even when the rules are fairly lax and simple. If your adult child is completely oblivious to the comfort of others, constantly makes messes without cleaning them up, or keeps the family awake to all hours, it is probably time for her to get her own place. Talk to her, but if she will not leave, make her life a little difficult. Do not give her the things she wants, but only what she absolutely needs. She may move out on her own.

4. If you are a parent of a boomeranger and he is physically or emotionally abusive, he needs to go immediately. If he will not go on his own, call the police. If you have been hurt, file charges. There is absolutely no situation when it is okay to be abused by your adult child.

When any adult child your yours asks to come back to your house to live, do not just say, "Oh, sure, come right over." Strike a deal about how long he will stay. Then, hold him to his word.

¹ Pew Research: Home for the Holidays...And Every Other Dayhttp://pewsocialtrends.org/pubs/748/recession-brings-many-young-adults-back-to-the-nest