Bootstraps and Beagles: How I Singlehandedly Solved the Economic Crisis (and You Can, Too)

Well, folks, I'm not going to mince words with you. I have found my way out of this economic crisis. While everyone else is moaning and groaning about "unfair" this and "misconduct" that and "treasonous corporate betrayal of the American people that singlehandedly justifies the reinstatement of the guillotine" the other thing, I, and I alone, have pulled myself up by my bootstraps.

Specifically, as I passed a convenience store just steps from my little town's Main Street, I chose to enter and purchase a lottery ticket. My friends, this affirms the importance of our great American consumer-driven economic system. I know the subprime mortgage crisis has taken a lot out of the American people. But the engine of our economy will not move forward unless we continue to spend, spend, spend. My valiant decision to keeping the wheels turning is the first step toward solving these difficult problems.

But I didn't rest on my laurels. I then scratched off the $2 lottery ticket and chose to win $10. I'll say it again, my friends: ten dollars on a skillful two-dollar investment. While a nation of whiners wallows in self-pity and doubt, I am a living American success story who saw opportunity instead of excuses. You don't need the government to give you a handout. Anyone who really wants to work hard, even in these troubled and imperfect times, can lay real and important groundwork toward a stable financial future. Now, more than ever, I am right.

On my way home following this important exercise in bootstrap-based elevation, I saw four adorable children and a beagle selling lemonade. (A middle-class beagle, I should point out.) For the reasonable price of twenty-five cents, I could invest in a package consisting of a cup of lemonade and two cookies of my chocolate-based choice. This investment in American enterprise would not only keep a small business afloat, but also return desperately needed funds to the credit system and the free market.

Well, my friends, it just goes to show that the trickle-down theory is as valid as ever. Because of my eight dollars of untaxed profit, I was able to channel twenty-five cents toward keeping four American jobs in America. Working families and beagles demand strong leadership, not constricting government intervention. Can you really look into a beagle's eyes and tell him he can't help sell lemonade any more because we have to fund Washington's socialist programs for liberal elite teenage dropout special interests? No, I didn't think so.

Under an America in real trouble, my lottery ticket would have been too costly to afford, my winnings would have been taxed past the point of all recognition, the lemonade stand profits would have been handed over to terrorists and the beagle would have been aborted. It's not too late to keep our great country from that frightening path. My friends, I urge you to make the right choice.

I know I did.