Borderline Personality Disorder

For years, I have suffered from different forms of depression. When I was a teenager, I was first diagnosed with "postpartum" depression. Later, I was diagnosed with "neurotic" depression. That diagnosis was changed to just "depression" and, finally, to "major" depression. I've been placed on a number of anti-depressants through the years, but never could find the right mix. In fact, since I was seventeen years old, I cannot recall any period of my life when I felt "normal" for more than a few months at a time.

In all those years, my depression manifested itself in many ways. Much of the time, I felt disconnected from society. Even in a room full of people, I would feel alone. Often, I would cry for days at a time, with no logical explanation for my tears. I became quick to anger, with my moods fluctuating at the drop of a hat. I often felt fearful. I always felt guilty or ashamed. And even when I did not feel depressed, I often contemplated suicide.

Anyone who is depressed for that long develops coping mechanisms. My coping mechanisms were such as worsened my depression and made it even harder to cope. I used drugs for a while (nothing too hard, for which I thank God regularly). I spent many years drinking to excess - sometimes disguised as "partying" and other times with no disguise at all. Any time a person got close to me, I would get angry and distrustful and push them away. I engaged in other self-destructive behaviors, like sexual promiscuity and self-mutilation. I moved from job to job and location to location, always sure that life would be better if I could just get to a better place. I gravitated toward relationships in which I would be abused or controlled, and any time things got too good, I would start fights.

Over the course of 22 years, I drove my first husband away a number of times (ending in divorce twice) and have nearly driven my current husband away on several occasions. I have made the people in my life suffer and that has caused even more guilt on my part. What confused me all these years was that I always knew I wanted to be good. I just couldn't figure out why I was so awful to the people I loved and how to fix the problem. Now, I know.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, Borderline Personality Disorder is a "long-term, pervasive pattern of impulsive behavior, instability and changeable mood". The DSM-IV goes on to say that BPD is, "A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts..." While everyone is affected by the symptoms of BPD at some time or other in their lives, Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by long-term, intense symptoms and should only be diagnosed by a mental health professional after a long period of observation or at least in-depth testing.

Approximately 75% of BPD suffers have been the victims of physical and/or sexual abuse, which results in feelings of shame, humiliation and lack of control. These persons then develop survival mechanisms to help them cope with those feelings. These survival mechanisms become an integral part of the personality of the BPD sufferer. While changing one's personality is never easy, it can be done through therapy and medication.

My Borderline Personality Disorder is not my fault, but now that I know, it is my responsibility. A lot of hard psychological work is in my future, but in the long run, it will be worth it - to myself, and to those I love.

For more information on Borderline Personality Disorder, go to www.bpdcentral.com.