Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD are the initials attached to two very confusing, albeit severe forms of mental instability, but the initials are far from the only thing that attaches these two diagnoses together. Both characterized by disturbances of the self, they should be regarded equally disturbing to the patients diagnosed with either, so then why is Bi-Polar Disorder recognized by most, while the sufferers of its cousin, Borderline Personality Disorder, often go ignored and largely untreated?

As diagnosed with the latter, my struggle to find the right help has been met with lots of criticism and disbelief, to say the least, all of which pushed me into even more desperate times, and almost made me give up hope. With each new doctor, the end to my inner battle seemed to slip further and further away into the realm of the impossible... most psychiatrists just diagnosed me with anxiety or depression, prescribing me medications, sedatives, pretty much anything to get me to stop what they simply categorized as 'complaining', while others told me I wanted attention, that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, and I had to 'deal with it'.

Right, because an intelligent woman who is blessed to have all the love and support of her family, has never been abused or suffered any trauma, found the love of her life who showers her with all the adoration she could possibly want, with one of the best circle of friends (the same she's had since she could recall memories) anybody out there could ever even begin to ask for, needs attention. I beg to differ.

Why would I put myself in constant bad moods for no reason? Why would I purposely ruin perfectly wonderful occasions with a sudden onset of negative (and sometimes violent) reaction to a seemingly normal everyday action? Why would I constantly lie about the dumbest things, for absolutely no reason, no gain, just looking like a fool before those that love and know me most? Why do I always feel as if the people that I know love me are abandoning me when they are simply just doing what needs to be done (i.e. going to work, errands, etc) and why do I fear this to the point of panic, even when I 'know' deep down and even tell myself during these moments of internal terror that they wouldn't? My mind is my own battlefield; I am the most literal form of the cliché "my own worst enemy". Frankly, I believe that expression was coined by a person suffering through BPD.

The despair I felt well into adulthood as to my condition, and the inability of any of the doctors I saw throughout the years to understand what I was going through is what drove me to study as hard and as vehemently (to the point of mania) as I have, and has solidified my drive to help others...the whole time doing so, fighting with my 'other' side, which keeps yelling at me and calling me dumb, telling me I'm crazy for spending so much money on an education that won't make a difference, and should just stop trying to figure it all out.

One of the first things that made me feel better was finding others like me. Surprisingly, that wasn't hard to do while earning a Masters in Psychology. Who knew most the individuals who decide to study the field of human analysis are searching for answers, if not about themselves, about a family member or loved one? Apparently, I wasn't alone in the quest for a doctor who could sympathize with the condition and not write it off as a "desperate housewife's conundrum". This alleviated a lot of my anxieties.

My studies also helped me conclude why so many doctors were unable or unwilling to help me; my perils were not in any way what they had specialized in, since Borderline Personality Disorder is something that often went undiagnosed, and has only had a definition recently introduced to the DSM-IV (even now, there are many skeptics as to the actual existence of this disorder). Along with this, the fact that they probably got into psychology to understand and help someone whom they deemed had it 'much much worse' than myself (Bi-Polar disorder is visibly more enounced, as the sufferer loses complete grip on reality, vs. Borderlines, who can tell what reality is, but can't make lasting, complete sense of it).

And that is where the real problem for getting help with the disease lies; it is so simply attributed to everyday complaining by the uninvolved doctor. The struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder is a lot more difficult to break down because the symptoms are much less obvious to the proverbial 'naked eye'. They are purely internal for the patient, hence making the doctor alienated unless they are willing to genuinely observe and determinedly listen.

This brings me to the most important factor for successfully dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. Find the right doctor, one who truly cares for his/her patients. Of course, that sounds obvious, shouldn't these professionals to whom you are paying high amounts of hard-earned cash be doing what they are paid to do, which is listen to you? And by listen, I mean really hear what you're saying, and analyze in a completely unbiased manner, but more than that; with love, with passion for each and every individual. No matter how trivial the problem might seem, no matter how much time they waste on true desperate housewives, that's what they're paid to do, the service they are expected to provide.

Sadly, the great majority of these psychologists and psychiatrists don't have the time or real passion for truly helping people. This majority unfortunately just categorizes the meaningless complaints along with the not so meaningless, and they all blur together, since they (as 3^rd party participants) have no personal investment and are completely detached from the individuals who are doing the complaining. They fail to see the soul sitting across from them as a fellow human, and only see the inherent paycheck.

However, all hope is not lost. With a little bit of looking and trusting your gut, you are bound to find someone who really cares, someone who got into psychology to help others (believe me, there are many, just a little more difficult to find). Ask for recommendations, search the internet, and go to the first session to weigh how much this individual seems to like their job. Watch out for those who look and sound bored, tired, and don't ask much, these are markings of doctors to avoid. Also, try figuring out how many patients they take on; if the numbers are large, my experience dictates you will only be that to them, a number.

Another good measure and piece of advice to weigh the quality and interest of your MD: if you go back for repeat sessions and you find the doctor asks you the same questions previously discussed, run. They should take notes about the basics at the very least, and in my experience, I've been to some who, by the third session and much discussion, have still asked me again and again where it was I grew up.

When it comes to dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder, the Holy Grail lies in finding a professional who wants to see their patient succeed. Once you have someone who understands where you're coming from, someone who comprehends that your nature is to be completely different and disagreeable to your own self from session to session and has the mind to point these discrepancies out for you to take notice of them too, someone who takes the time to associate these things and explain to you why you feel the way you do, and devotedly but firmly make you start taking these things into account, will you start to trust them and what they are saying, heed their advice, and make a change for the better. It's a long hard struggle that will get worse, then better, then worse again, but if you have a good doctor, a good person to turn to that can assure you you're not going crazy, you'll start to trust yourself, and that is the biggest step for a Borderline, one that is almost unachievable without the right help.

Thanks in large part to my psychologist (going on 4 years now), I have arrived at the conclusion that the only way to deal with my 'self' is to try (and I mean really really really hard) and keep the truth as my one and only thought. I think of it as a sort of meditation, one that keeps my brain from deviating into its twisted realm. I allow for creativeness, but not when it comes to my reality. This is a hard, fine line to live by, and by all means might not be what works for you, but that's why therapy is so important, to find what does work to your advantage.

Good luck, and don't let anyone write you off as a 'whiny girl/boy'. If you're seeking help, make sure you get it. Remember it exists, and don't give up hope.