Boris Yeltsin Dies: Russian Federation to Name New Countries After Him

Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday morning at the age of 76 due to heart failure. Yeltsin is known for hastening the collapse of the Soviet Union by pushing for democracy in the U.S.S.R.- and by never filing his tax returns. Granted, the old Soviet Union had more problems than money management, like the lack of any practical natural resources and a sweet little thing called Communism. However, you can hardly blame those things on Yeltsin. The old Soviet leader guided his country towards a market economy, and he was renowned worldwide for his stance against the Communist system. Despite his redeeming qualities, Yeltsin will most likely be remembered for transforming the once powerful U.S.S.R. into the laughing stock of the European continent. As Yahoo News put it, "Yeltsin was an inconsistent reformer who never took much interest in the mundane tasks of day-to-day government and nearly always blamed Russia's myriad problems on subordinates."

When Russian leaders were asked Monday to contribute some positive words about Yeltsin, they had serious problems doing so. Defense Secretary Robert Gates called Yeltsin "an important figure in Russian history." Yes, certainly an important figure, just like Hitler was an important figure in German history. Instead of trying to forget their controversial leader (Hitler who?), Russia will be commemorating Yeltsin's legacy by dividing the countryside up into smaller nations bearing the former president's name. "Vee couldn't come up with nice things to say about Boris," said a spokesman for the Kremlin Kouncil of Konfusing Kartographers (KKKK). "So vee decided to name some new countries after heem."

The Russian Federation will reveal the six new territories Tuesday afternoon. They are named speculatively: Boristan, Yeltsistan, Boryeltsistan, Yeltsboristan, Dead-leader-istan, and Russia Number Two. As a Russian politician said Monday, "Vee want heem to be remembered by the world as vee remember him- a guy who separated instead of united...and a guy who wasn't any good at naming countries."

Several map makers announced their resignation Monday afternoon, collectively releasing a statement about their frustration.

We can't draw the Russian countries' boundaries any smaller- hell, most of our professionals have a hard time with Rhode Island. Besides, when countries are that size we can't write the name of the countries within the borders. We have to make one of those arrow things that leads your eye to somewhere else on the map, and frankly, we don't have the time or patience anymore.

We may never see another world leader have the impact that Boris Yeltsin had in his nine years in power. And if you ask the residents of Dead-leader-istan, that is a good thing.

Source: Yahoo! News