Both Sides Now

My name is Heidi and I was born in Edmonton, Alberta in 1955 at the Misericordia Hospital. The couple who picked me out were recent immigrants from Europe. Their names were Henry and Tony. As I had often been told, they were able to pick me out from a rather large assortment of babies. Henry thought that he might like a boy but Tony knew that she would rather have a girl. Adoption was quite easy during this time and Henry and Tony paid their dollar to cover the cost of the paperwork and agreed to meet all of the requirements and were then able to take me home about 6 weeks after I was born. I had always been told that I was adopted and never really had many concerns about it except for intuitive feelings that I had siblings. From very early on this feeling stayed with me and continued to grow as I became older.

By the age of sixteen I began to crave more information about where I had come from. Henry and Tony never had any more children and although I had been privileged with a great education both at school and at home and had everything that I could honestly hope for I could not shake off the desire to explore my roots. I asked my parents if I could look at my adoption papers and perhaps acquire some information from them but was told that this would not be possible because the papers were confidential and were to be kept locked away. It was also explained to me that my birth mother quite possibly had married and had more children and that my popping up our of nowhere could indeed upset the apple cart and could cause a lot of trouble for a lot of people. So, I accepted that I could not know anything and agreed to leave the matter alone.

On a trip home for summer vacation from university I happened upon an envelope in an old trunk. Of course I had been snooping as my appetite for information just keep growing and growing over the years. I opened the envelope and discovered my adoption papers. There I discovered not only the name of my birth mother but also other pertinent information about myself. I found out how much I weighed, how long I was, the general condition of my health at the time and the exact time that I was born. These are things that most children know but for me it was like unlocking hidden treasure. Of course I had to keep it all secret and couldn't let on to anyone that I had found out this information. Also, I began to struggle with the dilemma of whether or not I should try to contact my birth mother. I really didn't want to cause anyone any problems so I left the matter alone.

When I had been married for several years and had four children of my own I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of thirty seven. I dealt with the surgery and with chemotherapy and began to heal. The one thing that became clear to me though having to face this disease was that I needed to know what was in store for my children. I approached my parents and convinced them to turn over my adoption papers to me. Even at this later time in their lives and in mine they still did not want me to search. It felt to me though that the matter was out of their hands and that I had to do this for future generations.

The search began with a letter of explanation that I sent off to twelve individuals with the last name of my birth mother. I had joined Parent Finders in Edmonton and they had provided my with the name of a person who had access to a database of names in Canada. He sent me the names and addresses of twelve individuals in the Alberta and Saskatchewan area.

For several months I didn't hear a thing. Then one day the telephone rang and there were two ladies on the phone. What had happened was that one of the letters had arrived in Saskatchewan to a gentlemen who turns out was the brother of my birth mother. He ran across my oldest sister in the mall and asked her if she had received a letter. She had not as she had married and had a different last name. She read the letter that my uncle had and immediately called another sister to tell her about the development. Together, they called me and my history started to emerge. At first neither Dianna nor Debra believed that I was really their sister. When we spoke that first time on the telephone however I instinctively knew that these women were related to me. I felt a natural and automatic closeness to them. Some details from my adoption papers linked us even more closely. For instance, my name at birth had been Debra Frances. My younger sister had then been named Debra as well. My birth grandmother's middle name was Frances and her daughter was Annie.

Debra and I agreed to meet shortly after the telephone call. We met in Kamloops which was away from either of our homes and was neutral territory. Thinking back, it was silly to take such preventative measures but meetings like the one that we had planned arouse tumultuous feelings in everyone concerned. Debra's husband was to be in Kamloops on business anyways and so my husband and I would drive there and meet them for a weekend. This meeting was the first one where it was like looking in a mirror and seeing parts of myself but in another person. This would happen time and time again. I had no idea.