Bottom 5 Movies Not to See This Holiday

Benjamin Franklin said the only things in life of which we can be certain are death and taxes. If he knew what would come from Hollywood, he would have added the prophetic "movies made of crap" to his list as well.

They are released year round, but somehow the holiday season harvests more bad movies than any other time of the year. Either the studios expect us to be frazzled from the constant mall frenzy and expect the stupor that comes from too much food to calm us into watching whatever first passes our eyes, or November and December as the end of the year are the bottom of the barrel.

My vote is for the first. Even with the atrocious titles currently out and soon to be released, there are good movies still in theaters. Movies like "The Road," "The Blind Side," and "Fantastic Mr. Fox." However, I'm not going to talk about them; I'm only going to talk about movies you should be avoiding this holiday season.

Two disclaimers. I have not seen any of these movies. These anti-recommendations are based solely upon the trailers, word of mouth, as well as a heaping helping of common sense.

Also, some of these movies are out now, some are yet to come. Using the Rotten Tomatoes Holiday Movie Guide as a reference, I have picked out the follow 5 movies as the worst movies to go see this season.

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

It's never a good sign when the title of the film is a complete sentence, let alone a question. If you must title your movie a question, don't make it a yes or no question that begs to be answered in the negative.

To be fair, all I know about this movie I've learned from the trailer. It could very well be that the editor of the trailer didn't like this movie any more than I assume I will, and, let's face it, when you don't enjoy your work, you don't do a good job.

Did You Hear About the Morgans? is about a couple (Sarah Jessica Parker & Hugh Grant) whose marriage is on the rocks. They are on the verge of divorce until they witness a murder and are sent to Montana as part of the Witness Protection Program, forcing them to be together at the very time they want to be furthest apart.

The Morgans made it on this list because of how predictable this movie is. Having already seen the trailer I know two things, two very crucial plot points, and neither one made it to the trailer. First point, their lives will be in danger in Montana as the killer will find them, but the Sheriff will rescue them. Second point, just before their lives are in danger, they will begin to fall back in love, which will just bring them closer together as their are in mortal danger.

2012

I realize this movie was released halfway through November. I also know this movie has been at the top of the box office since.

Above that, I also know this movie is no good. Forget that the entire premise is based on the Mayan calendar ending in December 2012, a fact that by no means indicates the world will end. Also forget that this is 2009, a full three years prior to the doomsday date. Even forget how much you like John Cusack. He's good, but the best actor in existence would still fall on his face if he starred in 2012.

But just to cover my bases, here's what's in store if you do choose to watch a movie that contains more disaster scenes in any given half hour than the rest of movies this past year (barring, of course, Transformers 2). John Cusack has a daughter, Amanda Peet. They somehow manage to escape one earth shattering, tidal wave inducing disaster after another. That is the entire plot. Enjoy.

Ninja Assassin

Korean pop star Rain stars as a ninja who kills people. Not only does he kill people, he kills other ninjas. One ninja taking down dozens, nay, hundreds! What can go wrong?

Unless you are a junior high boy, or have the taste of a junior high boy, everything. This movie is simply an exercise in how many different ways can you kill a ninja.

Every movie has a plot, even if it is only an excuse to create perpetual carnage. In Ninja Assassin, Raizo (Rain) is on a vendetta to both protect Mika (Naomie Harris) from the Ozunu Clan and to take apart the Clan, one ninja at a time. Lots of bloodshed follows.

One thing does impress me about Ninja Assassin: it still go a 29% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Somehow.

Planet 51

Studios must expect kids to be stupid. They must expect that if the movie is animated, everything else is secondary. Apparently in Hollywood children have no taste, and neither do their bored-beyond-belief parents.

Planet 51 is about an Earth astronaut who lands on a planet that resembles 1950s middle America, populated by typical green-toned life forms with antennae.

With such voice talent as Dwayne Johnson, John Cleese, Jessica Biel and Gary Oldman, there might have been some hope for this throwaway movie. Justin Long (He's Just Not That Into You) stars as Lem, a young lad who works at a planetarium and hopes to get the girl of his dreams before a supposed brain-eating, zombie-creating spaceman (Johnson) lands in his town.

Planet 51 attempts to take the conventional alien monster movie from the 50s and turn it for a loop. Yet unlike this summer's Monsters Vs. Aliens, Planet 51 fails to embrace the past by poking fun. Instead, they mock it. A night with Reese Witherspoon as a 50 foot woman is a night to remember; a night with The Rock walking around in a space suit, not so much.

Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

There are movies. Then there are sequels.

Why, oh why, are there sequels?

The original movie, released two years ago this month, someone squeaked out over $200 million at the box office. Rotten Tomatoes rates it 27%. Those two numbers astound me. How can something so bad make so much money?

Even more poignant, why make a sequel, excuse me, squeakuel?

The premise stems from the beloved, yet odd, cartoon of my childhood. The cartoon itself came from a hit song from the 50s entitled 'The Witch Doctor.' As a children's cartoon, Alvin and company do all right. As a live action movie, especially one starring the usually funny Jason Lee, they are a bit freaky and out of place.

I'm not sure who started this trend of taking outdated children's cartoons and turning them into big budget movies, but it needs to stop. There are few of my childhood shows left intact.

All this to say, avoid Alvin like the plague. Better yet, go rent Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman. It will be more entertaining than any squeakuel.