Boulder, Colorado... The Almost Utopia

There is a certain freedom that one gains when residing in a town with a transient population. A town where everyone is coming and going, when after a period of time you realize that the familiar faces are the hobos on Pearl Street. I personally have been granted the opportunity to try on several different hats while living in this town, that's part of the beauty when no one stays put, you can leave for a stint of time and when you come back you can be a completely different person, because the town as you know it has now changed, and thus so should you. So what is it about this town, what is the allure? Once while at a reading in the Boulder Book Store an old broad with crazy gray hair and draped in purple poly/cotton blend from head to toe, told me that Boulder has an energy concentration that draws like minded spirits to it. The mountains create a barrier for all the energy traveling across the plains and it wells up in Boulder, and instinctually humans can feel that, so we migrate to be a part of it. Personally I think you could drop a bunch of holistic fanatics just about anywhere, and word will spread, and others will join. It's all about fitting in, when weird is the norm, weird isn't so… well, weird.

What else draws people to Boulder? Well it's not exactly a terrible thing having 300 days of sunshine per year, 33 more than San Diego, which oddly enough seems to be one of the major breeding grounds for Boulder's bouncing blonde co-eds. Which just goes to show you, nothing looks better with big shiny bag than a deep Colorado tan. But in all seriousness if you don't get knocked flat on your ass every now and again by how beautiful this place is, pass your golden ticket off to the next kid and let them enjoy this place for awhile. I suggest driving up Flagstaff, turn your back to Boulder, all the bills, the papers, the bullshit, and look at where you are in the world. There are mountains upon mountains, and on a calm day those mountains absorb every drop of noise, and it's like they're standing there saying, "See? See? This is what it feels like to stand still for a minute," it's perfect and it's there all the time, we just seem to forget about it. And don't get me started about those damn mountains when they are covered in snow and it's a full moon, when everything seems to glow from the inside, and it's all frozen in stillness and quiet, hell I don't even like winter, but I will continually live through them for moments like that.

But if you really want to visit the best place in Boulder, Colorado you have to be here in mid June, early enough in the summer when the creek is still high. Drive west on Arapahoe until you reach Eben G. Fine park. Walk on the trail west until you reach the Arapahoe bridge and pop a squat right by the rope swing. Not only is this an absolutely beautiful spot, you get to jump into an icy river AND watch people get there asses kicked on inner tubes! I'm not talking little "oopsie daisy, I slipped off my tube" blunders, oh no, these are serious biffs. Dudes that spend hours checking out their raging pectorals in the weight room mirrors are getting flipped over, chewed up, and spit out by the PMS'y creek (that stands for pre mid summer, you dirty birds). Naturally this provides for hours of entertainment, but it's only acceptable to laugh if you say things like "ooooh bummer" and help them retrieve their tubes after they sacrifice their dignity to the river, otherwise you're just another asshole, and lord knows we have enough of those.

There is another large reason, that I am avoiding with all intention, why people pack up their bags and head here. Secrets out: I'm not crazy about college. I wish I bled black and gold, I do. But the football game, red plastic cup, social ship sailed for me in high school. Not that there is anything wrong with the college scene, all I'm saying is, that if I could get my degree the Hollywood way by "servicing" some gentleman in a windowless room, I would definitely consider it, just being honest. Out of all of my friends I only have one that I met in school, and that's only because he was crazy. All I can say is, that if a six foot six gentleman, with a nose ring and a scarf invites you over for whiskey, coffee, and collage making at 4 in the afternoon… go. Just do it, just go, there is a good chance that he will scream sing a song about Isaac Newton to you, and though you may not totally dig it, it's may be a welcome retreat from your typical college student.

Speaking of outrageously attractive humans, where do all of the ugly people hang out in Boulder? I recently found out that all of the old people are at Walgreens, so that mystery has been solved, but the number of attractive people in this town is astounding. I think that because of this massive amount of beauty, we as a community have actually become jaded. Two weeks ago a friend from Detroit came to visit and became a bit confused because she didn't understand how an entire town could be auditioning for a J Crew ad for a week solid. Not long after that my roommate and I had a very serious argument about the contestants on America's Next Top Model and how we see women more beautiful that they are every day. Which raised the question: are the models on TV just "every day pretty" or are the every day girls America's next top model? Sip on that for a moment. On average I would say that I fall in love three times a day, and I probably consider becoming a lesbian twice a week, that's how beautiful the people are. In high school I thought my dream man would be a tall ruggedly handsome man, who drove a truck with a dog in the back and a kayak on the top. Not even exaggerating, there are three of those men who live on my street. The kicker is that these guys are generally about 30 with wife and child, not that I'm not a sucker for a challenge, but that's just not my style.

With all of these gorgeous people one has to develop a pretty decent self esteem to stay afloat in this town, because not only are they pretty, but they are typically well educated and well traveled. I know, yuck, right? Not that any of that is a bad thing, but when I am four pints in on a Tuesday afternoon (that's how we roll at my house) the last thing I want to hear about is how many 14'ers you climbed this summer. Not in the first 10 minutes anyways. For example, I wish I was making this up, but my roommate met a young man who was just in town for the week from Sweden, he is publishing a book, makes his money being a professional photographer and in his spare time designs custom skis and retraces his grandfather's travels through Egypt. Are you kidding me? Is this what I am dealing with? Because I'm pretty sure that I still sleep in till noon and don't do laundry that often. So in this town you are dealing with the outrageously accomplished, who don't mind talking about it, and the 22 year old dudes that still decorate their walls with pictures of boobs in fishnet (once again, not that there is anything wrong with that). Is it too much to ask for myself with a penis? Am I not supposed to say things like that, because if you are reading this you probably agree, so get over it.

But that's the thing about Boulder, it's so close to perfect. There is so much beauty, and we want to believe that the people are so cultured and that thought is so progressive. But unless you are young, fit, beautiful, white and wealthy you are barely even let into this town. So through word of mouth, we all flock here, brought in by the allure, but for most of us this place has an expiration date. So we come, we hike, we drink great beer, and meet interesting people, and when the drugs have worn off we start to realize that we are all starting to look a little bit like each other. You realize that you just bought flip flops for fifty bucks and you now prefer brown rice to white. You notice that the dream man down the street has had that kayak on top of his car for 2 months and it still has the price tag on it. So we disperse, in search of the exotic, the authentic, the ideal partner, the endless summer, the first job. But just remember, on any given day the energy could suck you right back in to this little utopia. And when you return you are more than welcome to try on a different hat because more than likely, anyone who remembers who you were has already checked out of town.