Bouncing Back from a Burn by Your Church

If you're human and a Christian, chances are you've been burned by a church that you've attended. Whether it's a small burn like not landing a solo in the Christmas cantata, or a big burn like being shunned because of your political affiliation, the damage has been done. Small burns go usually go away after a while, and are forgotten. However, if you've been severely hurt by a church, you usually don't recover so quickly, and in extreme cases, you leave the church. How do you deal with it? Here are a few pieces of advice.

Just don't go to church for a while. Yes, you saw correctly. Just don't go. Speaking from experience, the last thing you want to do is add injury to insult, or in other terms, add salt to the wound. You can make things worse, not by just attending the same church, but attending another. You're hurt, confused, vulnerable, and are likely to accept advice (even bad advice) from anyone that will listen to you. Honestly, you don't need that. Don't seek solace in a "rebound church," but instead, seek it in family and close friends. Taking time off from church isn't going to send you to Hell (like some churches might have you to believe.) It will help you recover, and help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

God hears you even if you're not going to church, so talk to him. You don't have to be cordial with God. Even if you don't admit it, He knows when you are angry, sad, bitter, or just plain pissed off beyond all belief. Even though He knows all this, He wants to hear it from you. This way, you'll be able to release your feelings, and ask God for help with how to deal with them. You just have to be able to be honest and let go.

Once you've healed, and have gotten past the biggest part of your grief, it's okay to start looking for new churches. Since you're more emotionally stable at this point, you need to identify what went wrong at the church that burned you. It is then that you can pinpoint what you do not want in a church. Then, you can more clearly decide what kind of church it is that you're looking to attend, or even be a member of someday.

If you want to go back to church, there's the seemingly endless process of picking the right ones to attend, to make a decision. I recommend reading my article, Choosing a Church That's Right for You (and your Family.) Here, I identify a logical approach to finding a church that suits you, through the following steps: deciding what is important for you (and your family) in a church, asking friends about their churches, researching churches and utilizing their websites, visit the churches you've narrowed down to after the research, identify the pros and cons of each church, visit with the head of clergy and ask more questions, and start another round of visits. By then, you should be able to identify the church that is right for you.

Keep in mind, when you go back to church, not every church is perfect. On the other hand, not every church is like the one you got burned by. If you're just looking for flaws in every direction (something I used to be guilty of,) you're never going to find a church that's "good enough" for you. Ask God to help you, and step out on faith. If you forgive your former church, and move on, fully accepting your new church, you'll be much happier.

If you do decide to join a new church, and are afraid of the transfer, don't be. Most churches don't make you go to your old one to declare that you are transferring membership. Usually, the head of clergy makes the call to your former one. Just know that if you have friends at your former church, they may ostracize you for going to a new church. Don't let it bother you, though. Friends are important, but I think spiritual well being trumps all.

You don't have to suffer by going to a church that's burned you, week after week. You need to get out and take care of yourself. In the long run, you'll find a church that shares common ideas and values, and respects you for you.