Boundaries in Marriage

Extending off of Dr. Wilson's book, Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and Healing for Yourself and Your Relationships, Cloud and Townsend extends her biblical theory into marriage and boundaries. Dr. Wilson believes that there are many hurting people in this world because of earlier relationships that they had with loved ones. Because they tell themselves lies to protect them and tend to not trust God, these hurts and lies can carry over into a marriage.

According to Cloud and Townsend (1999) a boundary is, in the "simplest sense, is a property line. It denotes the beginning and end of something" (p. 17). Over the years, Cloud and Townsend observed the dynamics of marriages that go into" producing and maintaining love" (Cloud & Townsend, 1999, p. 17). Boundaries are important because "when boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well" (Cloud & Townsend, 1999, p. 17). This breakdown creates tensions or problems in the relationships, where the couples are never fully able to grow as individuals and as couples, which is God's design.

Establishing these boundaries requires many important elements in a relationship. These elements include: responsibility, freedom, protection, and self-control. Responsibilities help individuals determine who is responsible for what: their actions, words, and behaviors. Freedom to respond, to make choices, and to limit how behaviors affect individuals and their relationships, emphasizes God's design for us; "we were meant to love each other freely" (Cloud & Townsend, 1999, p. 23). Protection allows for the boundaries of love to grow. Protecting yourself from good and bad is important, especially when it pertains to your marriage. Having self-control, that is control over your own emotions, behaviors, and responses are important aspects to boundaries. "Self-control serves love, not selfishness. We hope that when you take control of yourself, you will love better and more purposefully and intentionally so that you and your spouse can have the intimacy you desire" (Cloud & Townsend, 1999, p. 29).

Cloud and Townsend also identify the "Ten Laws of Boundaries in Marriage" (1999, p. 37-60). When you partake in these laws and set boundaries with yourself, you become more loveable, creating the marriage that God intended and designed. Cloud and Townsend also discuss values. They believe that what one values, is what the individual have in the relationship. The values are: "love of God, love of your spouse, honesty, faithfulness, compassion and forgiveness, and holiness" (1999).

When we are able to establish boundaries for ourselves as well as for those in our relationships, we are able to have the union that God called for us. Taking responsibilities for our own actions and having the freedom to choose our responses and actions allows us to love more effectively and more freely.

Reference

Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (1999). Boundaries in marriage: Understanding the choices that make or break loving relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.