Bounty Hunters and Border Politics - What About "Dog"?

Lately, the White House has been getting a lot of angry mail. After the canines sniff the envelopes for anthrax, interns open up each letter to find that people are disappointed in the president. Guess what they're mad about? No, it's not Iraq, and it's not the price of Gas. It's not even the conspiracy theory that the Bush administration orchestrated 9/11 (a fallacious claim that should flatter the Commander in Chief since so many believe he has the intellect to pull off such a well-organized catastrophe). No, during these previous weeks, letters have been pouring in about "Dog" the Bounty Hunter.

This young man who goes by the name of Dog went down south a few years ago. He crossed the border a few years ago and captured Andrew Kuster, a rapist who was convicted on 86 counts of rape.

That's right. Can you believe the audicty of this bounty hunter? He took the law into his own hands and defied Mexico's sovereign right to hardbor drug dealers, murderers, and rapists. How dare he thumb his nose at Mexico's benevloent government? And what about our police departments here in America? They spent hundreds of man-hours (and a few woman-hours too), they used up vast amounts of resources, and still the rapist escaped their grasp. How do they feel? Pretty incompetent, I bet. How dare Mr. Dog intentionally lower the self-esteem of our men in uniform? By single-handedly tracking down that sociopathic monster, Dog was disrespecting the badge.

I know a lot of you lovers of reality televsion have become infatuated with Mr. Dog. And now you feel sorry for him. You're probably saying: Hey, that's not fair. Mexico refuses to hand over cop-killers and mass-murderers. Why should we hand over one of the good guys? Well, we follow rules here in the U.S. That's what holds this country together. That's what our great nation is based upon. (Actually, if you want to get technical, America was founded by a bunch of law breakers who wanted cheap tea-- but after we kicked out King George III, that's when we became a nation of Law and Order!) (Off topic: There are too many Law and Order shows on TV today. Too much CSI crap too. Oops, I digress...)

Mr. Dog is not the only one in trouble for south-of-the-border related malfeasance. A couple years ago two members of the Border Patrol, Ramos and Compean, spotted a Mexican drug runner sneaking across the border. The patrol men shot him in the buttocks. Both Ramos and Compean were recently convicted and sentenced, and thank goodness, they'll be spending over a decade in the federal prison system. In fact, I believe as I'm typing this blog they are presently experiencing some shower-time manlove. The drug dealer with the wounded butt received immunity because he so bravely testified against these two villains. And since that time, he has been happily transporting more drugs across the border. Now, I'm not saying that the drug dealer/illegal aline isn't a miserable criminal, but I am saying that its more important to have our authority figures and our nation's bounty hunters following the rules, and more importantly, not disrupting diplomatic relationships.

We value two things in this country:

1) Justice: No matter the Cost!

2) Cheap Labor: The lower the Cost, the better!

Let's face it. Once in a while, the president may act like he cares about maintaining border security; he might yap about putting up a fence, but in actuality he knows that illegal immigrants make this country great. Ask any owner of a small business. Ask any CEO of a large corporation. Go on, ask the goodnatured folks who own car washes, motels, and fast food restaurant chains. They want the border wide open. That''s what most of the American people want (at least the American business owners). And the president is going to listen to them. He's going to represent those supportive folks who want their businesses to run smoothly and cost-effectively. They're his "peeps" and he's "got their backs."

As for Mr. Dog the Bounty Hunter, and any other citizen who tampers with our relations with our southern neighbors, be forewarned. Dog will probably be sent to a Mexican jail. I say, good riddance. There was a time in old western movies when cattle rustlers and outlaws would race to the border knowing that if they could just reach Mexico, they would be free and clear. Mr. Dog has spat on that cinematic tradition... but I say we keep that vision alive.

What do you think?