Breaking Away from Physical & Emotional Abuse

I got married for the first time when I had just turned 23 years old. He was handsome, a hard worker and nice to everyone. A lot of people thought that I was really lucky to find someone like him. They never saw what happened at home. I was being abused all the time, physically and emotionally. But, when my 7 year marriage to my abusive first husband ended, I was devastated. I was about 3 months pregnant with our second child, had just quit my job because he wanted me to stay home, I was sick with kidney problems and my last paycheck was in the checking account that he closed the day after he left. I had no money, the welfare system in our state was too slow and I was at my wit's end. Yet, I wanted that scumbag back in my life and pleaded to him to come back to us (me & our then 6 year old son). I would've done anything at that time to get him back. No matter that he beat me up and gave me a black eye as my Christmas present one year, almost married someone else just before we got married, ran me over in the front yard of my mother's house while our first child watched or the fact that he drank a lot. I wanted him back and I tried up until after our second child was born. He just had had a child with his girlfriend but that wasn't stopping me. I was literally obsessed with getting him back in our lives.

Then, I met someone else. He seemed nice in the beginning but that changed really fast. Everyone that knew him warned me about him. I didn't listen. I got beat up for cooking the wrong thing, saying hello to his friends or other stupid things. Heck, I got beat up for shrimp once. I got the wrong ones and he didn't want them. Soon, I was pregnant from him. He changed a little bit but then it went back to the same old beating again. I had an abnormal test result for one of the prenatal tests so I was sent in for a special ultrasound at an obstetrician that dealt with problem pregnancies because we were told that maybe the baby would be born with a defect like Down's syndrome. I got beat up for having a "retarded baby". Then, one morning as I was taking him to work, he started hitting me as I drove. I dropped him off and called the police. They arrested him there and he was also fired from the job. I got a temporary restraining order against him and since he lived a couple blocks away from me, somehow I got him banned from the little town that we lived in. He wasn't allowed into the town for about 3 weeks. Just before I gave birth, he started being nice again and told me to call him when I had the baby. So, as stupid as I was, when I went into labor I called him up. He got there just before our daughter was born, perfectly normal. We somehow got back together again after she was born but he had to leave the state when she was about a month old. I ended up packing my things a few months later and moved too. I was moving back to my hometown so that wasn't a big deal. Just as before, everything was fine at first then it just turned downright nasty again. The last time he beat me up was the night of my sister's graduation from high school. He beat me up for about 4 hours that night while I was driving. I ended up driving to the police department when he passed out in the car. When I walked in and asked for help, I knew that they could see I wasn't playing around. The officers took me into a room, told me to wait there until they came back and went outside to arrest him. One of the officers that came back to do the report was a guy that I knew from high school so he was really upset. He told me that if he wasn't in uniform, my other half would be getting beaten up by him. I again went for a temporary restraining order against my then boyfriend. I got it for the entire household since we lived with my mother at the time. I was terrified that he was going to come back to kill me or try to do something to the kids or my family. I couldn't sleep at night. Every time I'd hear something outside, I'd jump up from bed. When I went somewhere, I didn't want to go alone. I was scared that his drug dealer friends were going to come after us. Even when we went to court for the abuse charges I was still scared to death but thankfully my police friend was there as well as other law enforcement people that I knew who just happened to be there that day for a court case. The prosecutor wanted to charge him with attempted murder, assault, kidnapping and so on but I couldn't deal with going through with a jury trial. He ended up only getting 30 days or so in jail, weekends only since he had a job. I worked on getting a permanent restraining order against him and got sent to an anger management class as part of the order. I thought to myself, "Why am I going to this class?? I'm the victim here!!". I felt like I was being slapped in the face again but this time by the judicial system of our state. But, it was part of the order and I needed to comply with it or else I wouldn't be able to get my restraining order. I completed the class and am now glad that I had the opportunity to be there.

In the anger management class, I learned that I was worth something. I didn't need to be with someone just because I didn't want to be alone. I could cry and it didn't mean that I was weak. I learned that I wasn't to blame for the abuse but I was to blame for being an "enabler" because I let it happen. I realized that I had caused my children so much pain. It was a tough lesson. There were many times that we cried in class when we realized things that we had done. It hurt a lot to see for the first time so many things that I could have done but chose not to. We all have choices, different options to every situation. We are responsible for our own actions and no one else's. We can change only ourselves and no one else. You cannot change an abuser if he or she doesn't want to change. It will only waste your time and you will get frustrated when you see how much of your life you have wasted. I wasted about 10 years of my life and I'm glad I didn't choose to waste more time. Do not think that having a child will make your abuser change? They may change for a little while but it never lasts. Think about your children if you have any or if you're pregnant. You don't want them to suffer for the rest of their lives or believe that abuse is right and normal in a relationship. Don't make yourself think that you're not worth anything. You can make it on your own. You don't need to be with someone that is only destroying you and your self-esteem. There are many organizations out there that are able to help you. Check your local listings in the phone books or newspapers. There are many women's shelters that can you can call and they can lead you in the right direction. Do not give up on yourself. Abuse is never right. It's something that your abuser learned. It's not your fault that he or she beats you. They may tell you all the time that you're the cause of their anger or that it's your fault for doing such and such. That's not true. Like I said, everyone has a choice or an option to choose and they choose to do the wrong thing. You need to stand up for yourself and make the right choice for yourself. Don't waste any more time and energy in a situation if isn't worth it anymore. Be strong!! The first step is always the hardest but you will overcome the fear of starting over again. Like people always say, "Rome wasn't built in a day.". Just think of how your future will be. Think about the future of your children. Do they really deserve to live like this? I won't lie. It's not easy to leave or report the abuse. For me, it became more of a comfort thing. It was just normal life for me. You deserve to be treated as a human, as an equal. You are no one's slave. Living with bruises that you try hard to cover up with makeup is not acceptable. Using makeup to hide everything is like you telling yourself and others around you that you're doing just terrific and couldn't be any better while you feel like you're dead inside. Sometimes the smile on your face or that makeup piled on that eye can't hide your true feelings. My co-worker would ask me if I was OK all the time and I always said yes but she could see that there was something else going on. When I finally admitted what was going on, she said that she already knew because she could see the pain in my face. You can't hide abuse from everyone. People who have been abused already see your pain from a million miles away. They know you didn't trip on that toy and hit your arm on the table. They know that your child throwing a baseball didn't give you that black eye.

It has taken me a long time to get over my abuse but at least I am still alive to tell my story since many abuse victims aren't around anymore to tell their stories. I don't think a lot of it will ever go away but it does get easier to live with. Some of the long term effects from the abuse are physical, some are mental. I still jump when I hear a loud noise. I have problems with my left eye because of the beatings from the ex-boyfriend. I get scared when my husband and I have an argument. I know that he won't end up beating me but I just remember things and it just triggers something. Of course, I still have to deal with my ex's because of the kids but it took me a very long time to be civil with them. I only do it for the kids because it's not their fault who I chose to be their biological father and they need to spend time with them. My husband is their daddy no matter what because he is there for all of them in any way that he can help and they know it.

There are happy endings to some stories as you all know. I got remarried in 2004 to a very wonderful man that was always taught that "Steal is shame" (There is nothing more shameful than stealing.) and "Never lay your hand on a woman". I didn't think that I would ever meet someone like him. We met through mutual friends and then became best friends before we became more than friends. I never thought that we would end up as more than friends but everyone around us could see it. No one was surprised when we announced that we were engaged. Everyone was truly happy about it. I had a kidney operation in 1999 and was technically dead for about 5 minutes on the table halfway through the operation because of complications. The doctors brought me back and I believe that I was brought back for a reason. I always joke to my husband that I came back to make his life miserable. But, if I can help only one person out there to be strong enough to make that first step with my story, then I will know that there were other reasons for me to be here.