Breaking it Down: American Idol Season 8 Episode for March 3, 2009

Just seconds before the blue screen starts flashing, and I'm already humming the un-hummable theme music...And we're live! With Ryan, Randy, Kara, Paula and Simon! And twelve more contestants who must be whittled down to three. Yes, just a scarily small three.

Contestant 1 was Von Smith, a skinny guy Simon compared to Clay Aiken, but not before prefacing it with "I'm not sure you're going to take this as a compliment but..." Paula dubbed him "spicier" than Clay, anyway. (Anyone else find that icky?)

Von, poor soul, was bland. There are so many high-school age singers on this season that I think the judges and I are living in fear of this turning into High School Musical: Searching for the New Zac Efron.

Contestant 2 was Taylor Vaifanua, a 17-year-old who apparently na-na-na'ed her way through Hollywood week to sing "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. Taylor said she picked it because it was "totally me." Her performance was jumpy and balky. She bounced up and down on her feet, doing some weird box step in place the whole time. My opinion: Bo-ring. Sorry, Taylor. The song still belongs to Alicia.

The judges echoed the boredom. Interestingly Paula noted that Vaifuana sang the same song during Hollywood week. Note taking time, everyone: repeat performance = bad move. Don't bore the judges! Or Simon will call you generic.

Our panel can't seem to emphasize often enough this season that they're looking for strong vocals, yes, but they're also looking for strong identity. This isn't the same as individuality per se, though the two qualities do dovetail. We've seen pure individuality with Norman this season, for example, he of the multiple personality disorder-like dual persona. But identity as an artist -- a good artist with marketable potential -- is something else entirely.

Alex Wagner Thigman, 17, was introduced by Ryan with the tag "He's got smarts and attitude, but can he take the stage?" Translation: get ready for a geek. Good-natured Alex, who on an earlier shows was rated by Simon with personality at 9 and talent at 3, sang "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" by Elton John, which brough the high school talent show-feel back full force. At some points, his voice rumbled into a sound that made me afraid he was about to retch, and oh, he knocked the mike stand over. Oh, that was an accident. Okay, we just thought it was clumsy trying to be cool. Oops.

Simon classified him as a "hamster trying to be a tiger" with his "growling." Yeah, okay, he's got an overbite. Was the hamster simile necessary? Couldn't you have called him something less humiliating, like a kitten? But I digress. Randy summed it up in his classic style: "The vocals, dude." Translation a deux: Not good. Not good at all.

Favorite moment of the show #1: Thigman said sheepishly, "I was just trying to have fun." It amazes me how many of the naive younger contestants truly think that's the point of this show. Not that it can't be fun, but this is a tough competition. Not a sleepover.

Enter Ariana Afsar, also 17, to sing "The Winner Takes It All" by ABBA, which she mispronounces (!), and to continue the streak of teenagers trying to act 30. She didn't have the vocal power for the song, simply put. (Cheer up, honey. Meryl Streep murderd the same song in the film adaptation of Mamma Mia. Of course, Meryl Streep knows her strengths and usually sticks to acting. So kudos to her. When you've got that many Oscar nominations, you're allowed to ignore the competitive arena and have fun.)

But Ariana showed up in a cute little Vanessa-Hudgens-like blue dress, with her still pudgy little-girl face and glossy lips, and sang this song? Not even "Mamma Mia" or "Super Trouper"? Simon summed it up: "Huge, huge mistake...Incredibly dreary arrrangement...like being at a funeral."

Favorite Moment of the Night Moment #1: Ariana protested: "I tried to make it contemporary." In unison, Simon and I intoned, "You didn't."

Paula ignores the dreary commentary and points out the "bright moments," earning her cheers. Does anyone else get the feeling that sometimes Paula tempers her comments to garner applause for herself? Just asking. If they ever give out an award for Miss Congeniality Idol, I know who'll be angling for it.

(It's around this point in the show that I'm wondering why we can't just jump to week 36 or however long the season lasts to the top four or five. Like we don't all know who they're gonna be.)

Ju'not Joyner takes "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's and slows the tempo of the song even more than the original, with chimes in the background to boot. It felt very Lifetime network to me, but the judges liked it.

Favorite Moment of the Night #2: Ju'not defended his vocals and nerves, saying he got a tetanus shot in the butt before the show, which cracked Simon up, and reaffirmed why I love these live shows. Every now and then the personas drop and they're all just people.

Kristen McNamara, age 23, looked very odd and confused in a pink babydoll dress that screamed Kellie Pickler, blonde bangs in her face and a very adult-sounding, soulful rendition of "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman. At least she admitted to having no style sense, but the song was good and solid. She kept the range pretty defined, but the voice control was good and the tone was smooth. Thumbs up, Kristen.

And we're back to the Disney channel! Nathaniel Marshall, 19, brought his multi-layered headbands and best Jazzercize outfit to sing Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love." Not the smartest move. Nathaniel doesn't have the man's voice and power for that song. And frankly, in a song we all like to hear belted out with strength, the performance came across as very Sesame Street: bright, pleasant and a bit much. Simon dubbed it "excruciating" and "uncomfortable." I don't agree with the first, but I'll take the second.

(Bless you, Simon, for offering Nathaniel the option of some sort of "Keep Fit" video. Bless you a thousand times.)
Favorite Moment #3: Ryan ran the microphone over to Nathaniel's oh-so-huggable-looking grandma. Human interest story fans, eat your hearts out!

Again we saw the judges' hesitation with Randy's comment that he found it hard to imagine what kind of record could be made with Nathaniel. A lot of viewers out there probably find this desire to categorize a little repressive and non-artistic, which I can understand. But I've also been to Best Buy, and I've been on iTunes. I can't blame the judges for yearning for artists who have a niche in a world that is divided by genre tabs.

Felicia Barton jazzed up "No One" by Alicia Keys, and definitely brought some maturity to balance out the HSM crowd. Her looks are urban Nelly Furtado meets Jordana Brewster, and her singing was solid. All in all, another thumbs up.

Scott McIntyre weighted in as the other favorite 'triumph in the face of adversity' contestant (next to Danny Gokey, my front-runner pick). Scott, a blind singer, started his song seated but halfway through "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby showed some nerve and walked away from it. He seemd to feel for it behind him at one point, but didn't find it and stayed standing. For someone who can't see the crowd, he played to it well. It wasn't a perfect performance, but it was good, and Simon volunteered, "in a sea of forgettable people here tonight your'e the only one I think I'm gonna remember." I'll agree with that. I see Scott breaking into the Josh Groban-esque arena. He's just got one of those voices you want to listen to.

Kendall Beard served as the bleach-blonde, Martina McBride-loving nod to country music with "This One's For The Girls." It's a dangerous song if you're not McBride, and Kendall struggled with the notes. On the plus side, she's earned an edge simply by virtue of being a clear genre singer. Is there room for another Carrie Underwood? My vote is no, not this year. But hey, that's just me.

My personal irritation and vindication both came by way of Jorge Nunez, age 21 from Puerto Rico. Jorge sang Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" with barely a trace of accent, thanks to diction classes he's been taking since Hollywood week when the judges harped on his accent in his singing. Watching him sing a many-times-done song like that one, I wondered: why not something upbeat? Not Latino necessarily, but that would have been refreshing.

Afterward Simon won my approbation by correcting the judges' previous position about the accent, saying that there's nothing wrong with him having one and singing with it. Simon, all over the country Juanes fans are agreeing with you.

So, as a side note, how about a little Spanish music on the show? Can we do that? Juanes, Enrique Iglesias, Mana, Moenia, Rebelde -- there's some great music out there that would stun on American Idol. I would love to see Jorge bring that to the stage, and I know there's a huge part of America that agrees with me.

Favorite Moment #4: Paula asked Jorge to say something so she could hear his accent. Simon protested that that was condescending, which she argued that it wasn't. Sorry, Paula. It is.

In the grand tradition of Idol, the night ended with a strong singer. Lil Rounds is 24. Seeing someone of legal drinking age on stage made me sigh in relief. I enjoyed her version of "Be Without You" by Mary J. Blige, especially when she slipped in the line "Call this show if you just can't be without me, babe!"

Only three of the twelve will continue, but it's clear how far the show has come from the beginning when a strong voice got you through to the next round, end of story. Now it's more than that. What are the judges looking for? Randy says it's simple: "Unbelievable vocals and ... definitely know(ing) who you are."

Based on that criteria, of the twelve last night I'm betting on Lil Rounds, Jorge Nunez and Scott McIntyre. Ju'not Joyner may pull out of it (a judge favorite) but as a viewer I was bored with the Boyz II Men feel of his performance. The other three have a little more originality going for them.

It's on you, America!