Breaking News: Al Gore Tells Oprah Why He Dumped Tipper

Oprah (in a voice-over as video shows Al and Tipper Gore playing tongue hockey at the 2004 Democratic National Convention): They seemed like the perfect couple. But it also seemed too much of a coincidence: two stable relationships crumbling at virtually the same time. The simultaneous separations of Al and Tipper Gore and Spencer and Heidi Pratt have grabbed the attention of America and this morning, former vice-president Al Gore will reveal right here on Oprah the shocking details of his torrid year-long love affair with Heidi Pratt-an affair that has brought both marriages to a screeching halt.

Oprah(live): Here to talk about his split from his wife Tipper is Al Go-oooooooooore!!!!!!!!!! (Audience stands and cheers wildly as Gore comes out, hugs Oprah and takes a seat.)

So tell everyone what caused the split between you and Tipper. Was it Julia Roberrrrrrrts?!!!!!!!!! (Audience stands and cheers wildly.)

Gore: No Oprah, it wasn't her-it was that I just couldn't keep living a lie. Heidi Pratt had stolen my heart and I decided it just wasn't fair to Tipper to go on pretending she was the only woman in my life.

Oprah: John Travoltaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! (Audience stands and cheers wildly.)

Gore: I kept telling myself I had to cut off the relationship with Heidi. It just wasn't right. That's when I decided that when Heidi returned from her mysterious hospital stay, I'd tell her it was over. Then I got a load of that big, beautiful, new set of double-Ds and suddenly global warming had spread to my genitals. I knew right then my marriage was over.

Oprah: Tell us how you two met. Was it like when I met my best friend Gayle Ki-iiiiiing?!!!!!!!!!! (Audience stands and cheers wildly as Gayle joins Oprah and Al on the sofa.)

Gore: I first met Heidi when we were both guests on Jay Leno a little over a year ago.

Oprah: Jay Lenooooooo!!!!!!!! (Audience stands and cheers wildly.) Then what happened?

Gore: We were sitting in the green room and I had no idea who she was, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was wearing a very short dress and her boobs were hanging out and she reminded me of Tipper back when we'd first met. I guess my penis thought it was 1964 all over again because I had to think about things like baseball and my mother-in-law before I could safely walk out in front of the audience to talk to Jay.

Oprah: And when did you see her again?

Gore: That night. I tossed and turned in my hotel bed-I couldn't stop thinking about that beautiful, sexy girl. Then the phone rang and Heidi's voice was on the other end of the line. She asked, 'Are you, like, that tree-hugger geek I met today?' (Light laughter from the audience.) With my heart racing, I told her I was and she asked me if I wanted to meet her downstairs for a drink.

Oprah: What did you drink? I love mimosaaaaaaas!!!!!!!! And we have some for our studio audience!!! (Audience stands and cheers wildly as Chippendale dancers dressed as waiters bring out trays of mimosas.)

Gore: The rest is just a blur, Oprah, but I woke up the next morning with my wrists and ankles duct taped to the bedposts, a naked Heidi passed out next to me, a chimpanzee dressed as a ballerina licking my balls, and a video camera mounted on a tripod next to the bed. It was at that point I decided I'd found the girl of my dreams. Of course, little did I dream that someone would steal the video and it would end up on the very Internet I had invented-now that's irony! (Audience laughs.)

Oprah(holding the video above her head): And everyone in our audience gets a copyyyyyy!!!!!! (Audience stands and cheers wildly.)

Gore: I'd really rather you didn't do that, Oprah. We have not yet received clearance from the chimp's attorneys to distribute the video.

Oprah: But what will you do now? Will you continue to educate everyone on the dangers of global warming?

Gore: To tell you the truth, Oprah, I couldn't give a rat's ass about global warming anymore. Heidi melted the polar ice caps of my heart and she's all I care about now. Besides, I'm gonna have my hands full just working with her on getting her GED.

Oprah: So you're telling me that after 40 years of apparent bliss, you've allowed this blonde bimbo with tits bigger than her IQ to come along and destroy your happy marriage?

Gore: I know she's dumb as a box of rocks, Oprah, but my God, look at her! She bends in directions I never thought were humanly possible! I tell you, she is like crack-one night with her and I was totally addicted.

Oprah(breaking into tears and blubbering): I'm addicted to French fries. (Audience lets out a collective "Aaaaaaaawe" as Gayle puts her arms around a sobbing Oprah and consoles her.)