Breaking News: Anna Nicole Smith is Still Dead

Anna Nicole Smith is still dead

Unless you're one of our brave soldiers fighting in Fallujah or have been in a persistent, vegetative state, by now you should be fully aware that former Guess? model, Playboy playmate, and Marilyn Monroe wannabe, formerly known as Vickie Lynn, is dead.

You may also remember during Christmas time recording artist James Brown, Godfather of Soul, pioneer, patriarch, and inspiration to just about every contemporary entertainer, also died.

Why do I pair the two from my soapbox?

While the name and likeness of the latter has been laid to their proverbial rest, the former has dominated my serious newscasts FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

Finally, there seemed to be some relief in sight. For a while there I thought the world had been captured by coneheads. Deteriorating conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center were being exposed, Britain resumed withdrawal of troops from Iraq, and MSNBC, CNN, Fox and others were carrying live coverage of the nothingness that made up the existence of Anna Nicole Smith.

Now let me say that I am truly sorry for her family's loss; it is tragic, sad and disturbing - newsworthy it is not. That kind of news should be left to Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight. I do not expect that kind of coverage from serious news organizations. What are they trying to do, be famous vicariously through the life of Anna Nicole Smith?

The truth is many people lived fabulous lives vicariously through Anna Nicole Smith, and when she died, many died too. Sad, but true. America has a scary obsession with the beautiful and famous. She was one of the beautiful people, and one of the disturbed ones.

What's even more disturbing is that during this debacle, according to an MSNBC show host, Tucker Carlson, ratings were the highest they had ever been, which makes leading a protest really difficult.

I confess that I did imbibe on a few episodes of the Anna Nicole Smith Show on the E! network, but had to quickly cease and desist when I felt my IQ plummeting at an accelerated rate much like Professor Klump in Eddie Murphy's Nutty Professor 2.

Currently out of the woods, we are faced with the looming threat of a resurgence of Anna Nicole Smith coverage to find out who her baby's daddy is. I'm afraid. She's already exceeded her 15 minutes and I can't take anymore.

Anna Nicole Smith is dead and the next bit of news that comes out about her will confirm the same. It is time to move on.