Breaking News: John McCain Endorses Barack Obama

Following in the footsteps of such prominent Republicans as Colin Powell, Christopher Buckley and Susan Eisenhower, John McCain has officially announced that he is throwing his support to Democratic candidate Barack Obama in this year's presidential race. This marks the first time in American history that one party's candidate for president has endorsed the other party's candidate.

In a statement made less than two weeks before the November 4^th election, McCain spoke thoughtfully and clearly as he gave his reasons for backing Obama. Following is the complete text of that statement:

Over the past several days, I have taken some time to analyze the two candidates for president and after much soul-searching have come to the conclusion that Barack Obama is the right man for the job.

In doing my research, I was initially struck by the similarities between Senator Obama and myself. For instance, we are both American men. That one caught me a little off-guard.

Additionally, I learned just the other day that Senator Obama is half white, and I thought to myself, "Holy crap! I'm half white too!" In fact, I have two white halves, but the point is that I could relate to his whiteness. How cool is that?

Another similarity is that Senator Obama pals around with less than savory characters and so do I. Former bomb-nut, Bill Ayers, is a pal of Barack Obama. Likewise, I have palled around with a former bomb-nut of my own, G. Gordon Liddy. I just can't help but think what a good time the four of us could have palling around together.

You may be wondering why, if Senator Obama and I have so many similarities, I think he would be the better choice for president. Let me share those reasons with you now.

First, Senator Obama is a young man and I am so goddamn old and rickety, I could keel over at any moment. Right now I feel numbness in my left arm, tightness in my chest, and my testicles hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. I'm also pretty sure that I just crapped my pants. The fact is I could easily be on life-support within months of taking office. And if the past eight years have taught us anything, the last thing America needs is a leader who is brain-dead.

Secondly, the senator from Illinois chose a respected and intelligent running mate in my good friend Joe Biden. I, on the other hand, selected a woman who, quite frankly, has been causing more-and-more concern about her qualifications every time she opens her damn pie-hole! I was assured that Governor Palin knew what the responsibilities of vice-president were, but after nearly two months of extensive tutoring, she still doesn't seem to have a handle on it. As recently as yesterday, she talked about how she was looking forward to taking her hunting knife and "cuttin' away some of the fat in that Constitution those gosh darn liberals love so much." Obviously, that kind of talk has me more than a little worried about what happens if I drop dead and that crazy broad takes over. Can you say "Armageddon"?

Then, there are the polls. We're losing states that Republican candidates could always count on in the past. Even the great state of Real Virginia has abandoned us.

Lastly-and I'm going to be completely honest with you here-I haven't a friggin' clue what to do about this economic crisis we find ourselves mired in right now. It is true that I've said I know what's going on, and the whole "suspending my campaign" thing I pulled a few weeks ago made it look like I was really concerned about resolving this crisis, but truth be told, I don't give a rat's ass about the economy. My economy is fine. I have more houses than I can count and plenty of money to buy my trophy wife Cindy lots of pretty dresses and fancy bling-bling. So screw it-let THAT ONE figure out how to get us out of this mess. I am old and I am tired!

And so it is that, because of all the reasons I have talked about here, I am officially endorsing Senator Barack Obama as President of the United States.

As I close, I am sure that many of you are wondering how a man who has spent so much time, money, and resources while running for president could possibly endorse his opponent. I have asked myself that same question many times and I can come up with only one answer.

Guess I'm just a maverick.