Breaking the Patterns of Victimization

The Broken Little Girl
A little girl named Becky is born, but is not wanted. Her parents had only married because of her birth and were miserable as a result. Once they divorced, the child was the target of all the anger her mother felt because of this action. The little girl took the blame for all her mother's rage and could never find peace within the walls of the home they shared with Becky's older half-brother. Becky's life began broken, but her spirit kept fighting.

Throughout the first 11 years of Becky's life, she knew only pain and sorrow. She was never good enough to please her mother. She spent most of her time listening to the rampages fueled by her mother's rage. She spent many days hungry because her mother spent the money on useless items rather then necessities. It was a bleak existence, and one lived in isolation. Fear was the pillow on which she slept and resentment hung in the air like a thick black fog ready to consume her.

The house was a constant battle zone. Becky's mother and brother fought with each other when they weren't ganging up to fight other people. They believed everyone was against them and were trying to destroy them. They both suffered from severe mental illness which kept getting worse as each day passed.

Becky's father tried to offer help and support, but his attempts were usually stopped by her mother's jealousy and rage. Her mother believed the girl should not care about her father and resented any affection the little girl showed him. All associations with adults fueled feelings of jealousy and rage within her mother.

Everyone who ever tried to help the little girl was soon thwarted by her mother and viewed as disloyalty. Becky's mother wanted total and complete control over the girl. The girl was punished for all the bad things which happened to her mother. Her mother viewed the child as means to an end which had failed. The girl was suppose to keep the mother married to her father. Since this plan had failed, the girl was the cause and would be punished for the mistakes of the adults.

School was something else Becky's mother fought against. Her mother believed all the little girl needed to know could be learned by her mother. If not for it being against the law to keep a child away from school, the little girl would not have been allowed to go at all.

The time came when even the law could not make Becky's mother comply with the law, and the little girl was kept out of school for months. During this time, the isolation became worse. The house was boarded up like a fortress without even the entrance of light coming into the windows. Doors were locked and bolted. The only time anyone left the house was on the rare occasions when supplies were purchased. Becky was never allowed to leave the house.

By the time the authorities got involved, the little girl was wasting away. Becky had lost a lot of weight and suffered from severe malnutrition. She was withdrawn and shook at the sound of the police entering the house.

Becky was placed to live with her Aunt Nancy, her mother's sister. It was a great life for several years. Becky felt normal and loved for the first time in her young life.

Then, one day, a family friend showed Becky the vulnerability which was still lingering just beneath the surface of the young girl who appeared normal. She had not escaped her victim role, she had just buried it beneath the mask she wore for the world. All her insecurities came rushing back as this older man made her lift her blouse and touched the private part of her womanhood. The part Becky reserved for feeding babies and giving pleasure to the man she would one day love. At 15, Becky's first sexual experience was made to feel dirty and cheap. Becky felt like her world had crashed, and the most private part of herself had been invaded.

Becky tried to do what was right and tell her Aunt what had happened, but this was not believed. Becky was made to apologize for telling the lie which she never told. The truth no one could except.

At age 18, Becky was beaten by her boyfriend, and the violence escalated into rape on one dark rainy night. Becky did not dare tell anyone this time. Who would believe her any way? She could not risk making the same mistake again. The pain of this rape was buried deep inside the silent victim she now had become.

Becky, like any young girl only wanted to be loved. She wanted to feel that someone cared for her and saw the real woman she was inside. She looked for this and thought she had found it in the man she married at age 19, nine days before her 20th birthday.

Becky was pregnant when she got married, and had another child almost three years from the day the first child was born. After becoming a mother of two children, she realized she had not found the man of her dreams. He did not show her the love she so desperately wanted, but she feared being alone even more then the beatings she often took from him.

Becky had been a victim for so long The broken child was still within her, and she did not know how to fix this child who suffered so much pain. She had endured years of abuse from a man that had vowed to love and honor her until death. They had two beautiful children together, yet she felt herself slipping away. Who was she anyway? What did she want to do with her life? How could she ever break free from the victim role she had carried for so long?

Becoming the Woman of Strength
The story above is not one which is unfamiliar. It is told in many forms by many victims of various kinds of abuse. The particular details may change, but the patterns of repeat victimization continue over and over again for many victims of abuse. It is easy to repeat familiar behaviors. We are products of our experience. We do what comes natural.

Children who grow up in violent homes will either become abusers themselves or continue to place themselves in violent situations because this all they know. Victims of long term abuse believe this is normal or it is deserved.

The story above is my story. This was the life I lead. For 38 of my 46 years, abuse was all I knew. The abuse over this 38 years took many forms. It started out as mostly neglect, isolation, and emotional abuse. In my teens, it was sexual. In my adult marriage, it took on a combination of physical, mental, and emotional The first 11 years were filled more with the physical which escalated when my ex-husband drank. After he quit drinking it became more emotional and mental.

On October 19, 1999, my life changed and freedom from this madness began to look like a possibility. I left with my daughter and never looked back. My son chose to stay with his dad.

Like all victims, my life did not turn out as I expected. I ended up in yet another controlling relationship, but a smarter person emerged from the madness I had lived for so long. This relationship would not destroy me. It only lasted 3 years, and the ability to stand my ground when it ended seemed to gain more power. My strength had grown.

Many health problems made life difficult for me and continue to do so on a daily basis. I have Multiple Sclerosis, I am in wheelchair, and at times can't even get out of bed. This does not keep me from being productive.

People have often asked me how I can manage to keep going with all I deal with day by day? I live one day at a time. I do not focus on what I can't do, but focus on what I can do.

I made up my mind when I left the last relationship that I was never going to live a victim's life any more. I am a survivor.

We have to make the decision to stop living the life of a victim. Then, we can gain the strength day by day to live by this decision. We do this by evaluating the relationships we get into and keeping our radar fine tuned. We have the tools and the strength within us to survive and remain free from victimization. We must also teach our children how to evaluate their own relationships. We must teach them that they have the right to live without abuse and to be loved. This is the most important way we can break patterns of victimization so they do not spread to another generation.

My story has been shared in many forms and to many people. I have dedicated my life to helping people break these patterns by believing they deserve to have lives free of abuse. I do this through my website and my writings. It is my goal to help and support all those who suffer from abuse and tragedy.

I may not be able to walk, but I am a woman of strength. I am a woman who will never again live the life of a victim. My life now is not a perfect one. Physical pain and health problems are a daily ordeal, but I have a great life. I have two great children now 25 and 22; a beautiful grandson who is 4 months old, and a man who truly loves me.

We all have the potential to be strong. Life beyond abuse is not easy, but the rewards of living life freely without fear are endless.