Breastfeeding Problems: My Story

Breastfeeding can be a big challenge to mama and newborn alike. Before having children (I am currently breastfeeding my fourth!), I mistakenly thought that, since breastfeeding was *natural*, the baby would naturally latch on and I'd naturally have an easy time breastfeeding. Ha! I had NO earthly idea what a trial it would be to get adjusted to caring for a newborn, especially breastfeeding! I didn't know that I would sit around topless and sore for a month, attempting to breastfeed, and never get more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep. I had no understanding of postpartum depression (I don't think I really 'believed' in it), and I had NO IDEA it would be so difficult to learn to breastfeed. It definitely wasn't as "natural" an experience as I had expected.

The lowest point came when my baby was two weeks old. I was sitting on the bed, trying to breastfeed with tears rolling down my cheeks and blood coming out of my nipples, while my husband got dressed for church. He was probably as fed up as I was at that point, and he gently suggested that maybe I should consider just giving it up and start giving him formula. I felt so insulted, but I was a lot more determined than he was aggravated. No baby of mine was drinking nasty formula!

I decided not to breastfeed on the left breast any more that day because it was the most damaged and painful, but I didn't have a pump yet. I just tried to express milk by hand all day long. Well, by the time I got to church that evening, I was feeling some serious engorgement. I could hardly pay attention to the pastor as it became very obvious that my left breast was nigh near exploding.

After the evening service we had a meal at church. I went into the nursery and made another feeble attempt to breastfeed my baby. I finally got him calmed down and fed and went to eat my cold food. By then I was feeling very ill indeed. I had awful chills, and I complained that I was freezing cold and lightheaded. My pastor's wife offered to take me home since my husband had some responsibilities to tie up, so I picked up my burden (in the form of a 10 pound infant carrier) and went home. I remember what a struggle it was to even get the car seat out of her van and walk into the house. I drew the hottest bath I could stand and put the screaming little seat beside the tub. I immersed myself but still could not shake the terrible chills (despite the fact that it was late August!).

When my husband came home and located me in the tub, I demanded that he "Just get him AWAY from me!" I think he figured out that we just might have a serious problem! He took him out, got in his car, and left! I was ticked to high heaven and had no idea where he was taking my baby! I stomped into my room. I put on my flannel gown because I was still freezing, and I lay on the bed and sobbed. He finally came home with my baby and... a cursed can of formula! I went into the kitchen and yanked my baby away. I took him to my room, more determined than ever to latch him on successfully. We struggled for a long time as usual before he finally got his razor sharp gums clamped onto my battered nipple. I think I passed out.

I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling very dazed and having chills and hot flashes at the same time. I looked at the clock, and it took me quite a while to compute that my baby hadn't nursed in five whole hours! I tried to waken him to no avail. I went to my breastfeeding post in the living room and tried again. He was out. I was freezing and burning up at the same time. I took my temp: 103.5. I was probably delirious, but I started freaking out, thinking something was wrong with the baby. I swallowed my pride and went to wake my husband for help. He tried waking him and finally succeeded ~ the poor kid was just tuckered out and enjoying his first decent stretch of sleep in his two-week life! A new panic engulfed me: I had to breastfeed him again. I unbuttoned my gown; and we saw my flaming red, hard breast. I tried to latch him onto the less painful side while my husband attempted relieving the other one by expressing milk. I couldn't even sit up; I almost passed out. My husband had to hold me up so that I could even breastfeed.

A friend of a friend had called the day before when she heard of my breastfeeding troubles, and she was a tremendous encouragement. She helped me to realize that I wasn't the only person in the world who had had so much trouble breastfeeding a baby, and she encouraged me to call the local hospital's lactation consultant. I went ahead and called the number, leaving a message since it was Saturday. Since I hadn't reached her, I tried calling the lactation consultant in the next town over. She helped me a lot over the phone by explaining exactly how to latch the baby on and get the entire nipple in his mouth. I had somehow managed to survive two weeks without that essential skill! We made an appointment for me to go there Monday at 1:00.

I was awakened Monday morning around 11:00 by the phone. It was the local lactation consultant returning my call. She told me to come on to the hospital, and I promised to be there at 1:00 in lieu of going to the out-of-town one. I called the other lactation consultant and canceled, and then I attempted to get dressed (what a challenge!). My husband returned from his staff meeting just in time to get me to the hospital by 1:00.

The lactation consultant took one look and knew I had mastitis. I had sort of gotten the hang of latching on by Monday afternoon because of the tips the other lactation consultant had given me on Saturday; it was finally "clicking." I got on antibiotics and promptly headed to another town the next day to dish out $75 for a pump rental (I lived in a hick town, in case you can't tell; and there were no pumps anywhere!). I started alternating breastfeeding and giving him pumped milk. After a few days I was finally pumping exclusively and stopped even trying to breastfeed. I gave him my expressed milk, but I was dismayed that there was so little milk coming out with the pump. No wonder my poor baby was starving!

We continued to struggle as I pumped every single hour round the clock for the next 3 days (too bad I didn't know that it would have been much more productive to let a few hours pass each time!). I had never been so determined in my life. On Friday I took my baby in to the pediatrician for a checkup. At almost 3 weeks old, he didn't even weigh 8 pounds (even though he was 8lb 11.5 oz at birth). I felt even worse. The pediatrician told me to start supplementing, so I finally swallowed my pride and opened the can of formula my husband had bought. My baby gobbled it up. Between Friday and the following Tuesday when I took him back for a weight check, he had gained a pound and an ounce.

I did finally get the hang of breastfeeding and was able to eliminate the stinky, expensive formula. However, I still didn't know beans about taking care of a baby round the clock. It was so burdensome to run errands, go shopping, or even clean the house. My whole life revolved around breastfeeding.

I know that anyone reading this had to have thought I was the most ignorant person in the world or that I must have had crummy prenatal care or something. No, actually, I had probably read every book on breastfeeding that the library had, plus several I had purchased myself. I had a tremendous midwife and team who helped me from the first nursing right after my baby was born. However, I just became so exhausted and overwhelmed that I lacked the clarity of thought and perception to understand that something was very wrong. I knew all about mastitis from the books, but didn't even recognize it when the signs were obvious because I was so "out of it."

If you are having problems breastfeeding your baby, please don't feel alone. None of my four babies has gone "by the books"! They were all different and all had different breastfeeding challenges, and I was able to breastfeed each baby for at least a year. You are not stupid, and your body is capable of feeding your baby! It is, however, a learning experience for you both; and I encourage you to get help from a lactation consultant and a friend who has experienced breastfeeding success.