"Bridalplasty" Season Premiere Recap

The sneak peeks reveal the typical catfight you might find on any other reality show hosting a gaggle of women. But instead of fighting over rock stars and J-ello Shots, these ladies are battling over acne scars and saline shots. You knew it was coming-E!'s latest reality phenomenon, "Bridalplasty," hosted by Shanna Moakler. Twelve women compete in weekly challenges in the hopes of obtaining their dream wedding. Oh yeah-and they get to have their bodies cosmetically sculpted into Perfect Brides.

The ladies arrive at their plush mansion-oohhing and aahhing at the fancy digs. And no, your eyes do not deceive you. Each contestant walks through the door wearing her wedding veil. It's like a bad bridal shower on overdrive.

Of course, you get the requisite slice of life with the introduction of each cast member-home videos, interviews, and narrated background info. Blah, blah, blah...

Allyson and her fiancé were both laid off within a month of each other-right in the middle of planning their nuptials. Who doesn't need a free dream wedding more than those two?

Lisa Marie wants to attack her oppressive acne, a desire that doesn't seem too far-fetched in the grand scheme of things.

The ladies are getting to know each other in what look like Bridal Barracks. Everything is all puppies and cupcakes at first. "Do you wanna be roommates? Cause you're like, fabulous!" proclaims Alexandra, who apparently wants a lot of "tucking done" since her major weight loss. (Awww.) As a matter of fact, later in the show we discover that she was a contestant on NBC's "The Biggest Loser." Her boyfriend at the time proposed to her in December on TV. In front of millions of people. It was even on YouTube. The proposal was on Yahoo!, like the next day. No, really. Her boyfriend's proposal was on live TV. Oh yeah, and did she mention that her sweetie proposed on TV, in front of the whole world? On live TV.

That's pretty much how Alexandra's romantic anecdote sounds to the other ladies.

Melissa, has a husband who is in Iraq. (Apparently, on "Bridalplasty" the women aren't required to be Brides-to-Be.) She gets emotional when she describes their love affair. We still don't know exactly why this very attractive young woman has selected a cosmetic surgery reality competition as her platform for marital bliss. Maybe she needs an extra toe removed or something.

Dominique appears to be having some Mommy and Daddy issues as she explains her presence on the show: Mommy and Daddy spent their fortune on her sister's wedding, and didn't leave enough "I Do" money for Dominique's future nuptials. Honestly, Dominique really looks like she's about to cry.

Contestant Jaimie is crying. She's telling the world about her mother's illness and immediately breaks down. . Jaimie and Juan are also already married, having tied the knot at the courthouse. Now they're hoping to do it up in a splashy affair.

And what do some of the other ladies want? Netty wants Jessica Biel's butt. Ashley wants to go up a cup, and down a nose size.

After we've gotten to know the ladies it's time to get the contest started. It's still a little unclear how the women are actually going to compete with each other. We're soon to find out, as hostess Shanna Moakler breezes into the foyer of the mansion. The girls cluck like pre-teens in the Top Model house, as they gather to meet Shanna. And they're really excited. "Oh my my God, she was Miss USA! She dated rock stars! How can you not love this woman?" Yep. Another direct quote. This time, from contestant Kristen as she gushes about meeting her host.

Let the Games Begin...

Shanna explains that all of the women will compete in challenges that will help "tranform them closer and closer to the perfect bride." (What in the world does that mean?)

These women are spending weeks on a reality show in the hopes of scoring a first-class celebrity style wedding. But in the end, only one bride can win. Given the fact that some of these women want fewer procedures than others, wouldn't it seem unfair to crown a winner who only wants Botox and a chemical peel? In Hollywood you can get these things done at the drive-thru. The producers of the show have really pulled a quick one this time. But for reals. The challenges will actually include some of these smaller procedures the ladies want to have done.

And speaking of procedures. The first order of business is to dissect each woman's cosmetic wish list. Alexandra kicks it off, explaining that she lost almost 100 pounds on "The Biggest Loser." (~queue music~) And that's actually where she met her fiancé. And he proposed to her on the show's finale. On live TV. No, really. He proposed to her on TV in December. And guess what? She's got video this time to prove it. ("Biggest Loser" clip rolls...) Jenessa is none too pleased to hear this story for the 12^th time. Could she be a "hater?" Nahhhh.

Most of the women are down for that liposuction. Dr. Dubrow is having so much fun with his little felt pen. It's like a 3-D grown-up version of Picture Pages (very old TV reference), only with naked girls. He draws virtual road maps across their torsos, legs and tummies, explaining where he'd tuck and suck. But in the end, he thinks that they'll all be smokin' hot.

Shanna explains that tomorrow the competition officially starts. And wouldn't you know it, they will all be treated to a little bridal party. They even have bridal closets, where they are to collect the pieces of their dream wedding. It's interesting that nowhere in this process are the fiancés' wishes considered. Perhaps Juan's dream isn't to get married at the Spearmint Rhino in a giant vat of butterscotch pudding. Ok, bad example.

Now on to the party: As the women enjoy refreshments, they talk about their potential perfect bodies. Here comes Shanna to look at everyone's engagement rings-playing a round of "Is that a princess-cut?" The mood is bubbly until we reach Ashley, who admits that she pawned her engagement ring to pay her car note. Jessica clearly does not approve, and finds it "selfish" to pawn a beautiful ring just do something silly like hanging onto your car so you can get to work.

The night just wouldn't be complete without a surprise guest. "Bridalplasty" delivers. In waltzes Melissa's husband T.J.-home from Iraq. All the brides are tearing up as they watch Melissa and T.J make out. Now this is quality programming.

Their first challenge is about transforming the ladies from the old selves into the new selves. They look just as confused (and horrified) as we do-gazing upon larger-than-life sized posters of their bikini-clad bodies. The challenge? To put together a puzzle made of pieces of their potential "New Selves." After they're finished, the women are to grab a syringe from the table and head down to an Injectables Party. Champagne and Botox. Mmmm mmm.

But first, there must be an elimination. The last two brides to finish the puzzle are Ashley and Alexandra. After they make their tearful pleas for mercy, the remaining ladies must decide who goes and who stays. Shanna introduces "Bridalplasty's" incredibly sophisticated voting process: raising their hands to vote for either contestant. Perhaps the Empty Hat and Post-It Note voting system wasn't in the budget. In the end, Ashley must return home and find a way to get her engagement ring out of the pawnshop.

(I can't make this stuff up.)

SOURCES:

www.eonline.com