Brief News: Charlie Sheen Relapses from Winning

Early Thursday Morning, Charlie Sheen suffered an intense emotional relapse from winning, during which his belief that he was winning was suddenly replaced with the sudden and paranoid fear that he was losing. "I woke up and it suddenly hit me-I have a fridge full of pudding pops but nobody to eat them, one of my goddesses ran off with $5000, and my crotch itches from gonorrhea," Sheen announced at a press conference later that afternoon.

Inspired by the counterfeit realization, Sheen called his ex-wife to talk with his children, kicked out all his gold-digging goddesses, and scheduled a meeting with addiction specialist Doctor Drew Pinsky. He even wrote apology letters to CBS and Warner Brothers.

Thankfully, Sheen finally regained his senses later that night courtesy of one pound of cocaine, two cases of coca cola, and an intimate one-on-one conversation with his rehired goddess, Natalie Kenly. Together, the two went on to free all the animals at the San Diego zoo, cure world poverty, and eventually fly off unto the heavens on a flying elephant.

Sadly, upon waking up the following morning, Sheen suffered yet another relapse.

"Why is there an elephant with cardboard wings in my room!?" he was heard yelling from his bedroom.

Moral of the story: Cocaine is a helluva drug!