Brief News: GOP Looks to Change Definition of 'Shared Sacrifice'

Early Wednesday morning, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor revealed plans to permanently change the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of 'shared sacrifice' to mean "for 99% of Americans to work really hard and then sacrifice their combined earnings for the benefit of the remaining 1%."

His announcement was immediately met with ferocious uproar by left-wing legislators, who argued that republicans were trying to "screw over Middle American." However, Cantor convened a meeting later that afternoon in front of the Capitol Building to refute these allegations.

"You guys have it all wrong, man," he announced. "We're not trying to screw anybody over; we're just trying to 'pass the potato.'"

"You see, wealth is kind of like a hot potato. The first person picks it up off the stove and burns his hand. Then he passes it on to the next person, who also burns his hands. And it just keeps going around and around until it finally gets back into our *cough* I mean the remaining 1%'s hands, at which point it's all nice and cool."

He continued, "I mean . . . you wouldn't want them to burn their soft, gentle hands, would you?"

Moral of the story: Some republicans have a very twisted idea about what 'shared sacrifice' means.