Brief News: House Republicans Scared to Death of Unidentified Fat Man with White Piece of Paper

A portly, unidentified man has House republicans so frightened that they've been tiptoeing through Capitol Hill all week long. Nobody knows why they're so scared of this man or what is written on the white piece of paper that he allegedly clutches close to his heart, but what is for certain is that this man has the power to make House Majority Leader John Boehner cry like a 13-year-old girl experiencing her first period.

"I personally am not scared of this fat bastard," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters, while repeatedly gazing all over the place as if he expected the ghost of Bin Laden to suddenly pop up out of nowhere. "But the guys over in the House are scared shitless!"

In fact, the fear is so palpable that there have been at least three confirmed cases this week alone of House republicans peeing in their pants from fright. And according to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a confrontation between John Boehner and the unidentified man late Wednesday afternoon led to Boehner falling to his knees and busting into tears.

"It all centers around that piece of paper the fat f*** carries around with him," Pelosi speculated. "It's as if the guy is somehow using whatever is written on it to force the republicans to do what he wants them to do."

She continued, "It's quite sad, especially considering that politicians are supposed to be doing what the people want them to do, not what some fatass wants them to do!"

Moral of the story: The only fat man to fear is Santa Clause. Speaking of which, are all you republicans behaving yourselves this year!?