Brief News: John Boehner Blames President Obama for Unscooped Dog Poop

House Speaker John Boehner blasted President Obama Thursday afternoon for not picking up the mounds of rotting, worm-infested dog poop that line America's lawns.

"The Obama administration has consistently made no attempt to clean up all this dog crap," Boehner said. "God knows how many times I've been late to work because I accidentally stepped in some dog shit."

According to a report released by Boehner's office, the vast quantity of unscooped dog poop has caused a whopping 25% decrease in national productivity due to employers showing up late, which in turn has led to a 5% decrease in GDP. Boehner contends that if Obama doesn't fix this problem, and fix it soon, the United States may go down in a stinking pile of flaming dog shit.

Boehner also went on to blame Obama for "all these damn roaches" in his house, his wife's poor cooking skills, and his poor performance in the bedroom.

"Just knowing that Obama is my president makes me impotent," he said. "And that's not my fault; that's Obama' fault!"

Moral of the story: I really want to like Boehner because he's clearly a sensitive guy, and I find that to be endearing, but why does he keep having to act like a douche!? Dude... ever heard of Wall Street speculation!?