Brief News: John Boehner Endures Long Week with Tie Stuck to 261-Pound Tea Brewer

Washington-What should have been just another week at work turned into an embarrassing nightmare for House Speaker John Boehner after he accidentally got his tie stuck in his Fetco TBS-71AC Tea Brewer on Monday morning and, unable to pull himself free, decided to just drag it with him to Capitol Hill.

"Watching him drag that stinking piece of shit-it smelled like a bunch of dried up tea bags-around Washington has been quite delightful," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who took numerous photos of Boehner and then posted them as a slideshow on YouTube.

"It's a shame that Mr. Speaker is unable to detach himself. It's almost like he's too afraid to try. I know it's big, heavy, and threatening looking, but trust me, there's nothing to fear. It's just a big, dumb machine. Added to that, it isn't even plugged in!"

After a final attempt to dislodge himself from his Fetco TBS-71AC Tea Brewer early Friday, Boehner gave up and used a blowtorch to permanently attach it to his body.

"If you can't get rid of it, you might as well blowtorch it to yourself," he later told reporters.

Moral of the story: I'm sad to say that John Boehner has become the Tea Party's bitch.

Additional Comment: John Boehner, if you're out there, rid yourself of the Tea Party. You're a really nice and sentimental guy, and that's awesome, bro, but you need to realign yourself. God bless you for trying to fix our budget crisis, but look at it from our side -- businesses had the Bush tax cuts for years, and what did they do with it? So why are you punishing us (including children and WOMEN) when you should be going after them? Think about it, bro!