Brief News: Lisa Lampanelli Gives Birth to Whole African Family

Late Thursday evening, stand-up comedian Lisa Lampanelli gave birth to 33-year-old Ambiola Kiognozi, his wife Hlengwie, and their two sons, Tapiwa and Taonga.

According to Lampanelli's primary care physician, Dr. Harrison, Ambiola and his wife Hlengwie are fraternal twins who were conceived 33-1/2 years ago.

"Over the years, Lisa became so fat and bloated from overeating that she never even realized that she was pregnant," Dr. Harrison explained. "And since no doctor was present to guide Ambiola and Hlengwie into the world, they were literally lost in the large and gloomy cavern that is her vagina."

Through the years, the twins gradually charted their way out by using Lisa's voice to guide them toward the light emanating from her vaginal opening. Unfortunately, Lisa's vagina was so frequently stuffed with the dicks of black men that the voyage took an exceedingly long time to complete.

According to Ambiola, who managed to teach himself English by listening closely to Lisa's voice, it was an incredibly difficult journey that required navigating through piles of used condoms, rivers of menstrual fluid, and mounds of dried-up, black men semen.

"We just so happy we finally here," Ambiola told reporters.

He continued, "It smell much better out here than it did in there!"

Moral of the Story: Lisa Lampanelli has a really f**king big vagina!