Brief News: Sean Hannity Looks into the Mirror for the First Time and is Shocked at What He Discovers

Early Friday morning, Fox News correspondent Sean Hannity did the unthinkable. He walked into a restroom at the Fox News Headquarters, took off his customary blindfold, and finally mustered up enough courage to look into a mirror.

"Oh my God . . . I'm an ass!" Hannity was heard yelling by his Fox News peers.

According to Hannity's assistant, Eileen, his mother strictly forbade him from ever looking into a mirror on the basis that "mirrors are for Hollywood-type liberals who're obsessed with vanity."

"She obviously told Sean that to protect him because he's an ass," Eileen told reporters. "But he started growing more and more restless; I guess he just couldn't stand not knowing what he really is anymore."

"I tried to persuade him not to go through with it, but his mind was already made up," she added.

Fox News released a press release late Thursday evening claiming that Hannity has since come to terms with his shocking discovery, but an undercover report by MSNBC correspondent Richard Engel suggests otherwise.

"I heard through the grapevine that he's planning to have his 'mouth' sewed shut because 'the Constitution doesn't say anything about the separation of butt and hole,'" Engel claimed.

In related news, Rush Limbaugh just discovered that he's in fact a big, giant dick.

Fact of the story: The thing in the mirror is a Coco De Mer. It's the biggest nut in the world. I thought it most fitting, especially since it's a nut that looks like an ass :-).

Moral of the story: I do not like this men, and I'm not just saying this out my ass. I hate lovey-dovey, r&b music right now, so whenever K97.5 plays it, I switch over to the conservative station for a bit. Trust me when I say the get is a royal douche!