Brief News: Stars Call it Quits After Sarah Palin Joins Their Ranks

The universe's many stars, from red giants to white dwarves, have all turned in their two-weeks notice and pledged to never shine again until presidential hopeful Sarah Palin gives up her hopes of becoming a star. The controversy erupted earlier this week when Palin revealed her uber-stylish tour bus, which according to witnesses made Brent Michael's tour bus look like "pure crap."

"We've been out in space shining for millions of years, and all of a sudden Palin buys a bus, goes on tour, and steals away all of our limelight," Gamma Ursae Majoris from the constellation Ursa Major complained to reporters. "I appreciate that she wants to be a star, but she is totally taking away from the rest of us!"

According to Gamma, the stars aren't the only ones upset with Palin's recent rise into the heavens. Asteroid belts, comets, meteors, and black holes are also feeling disgruntled. Many of them have threatened to quit but are holding on only because they need the money. Apparently, the recession has affected them as well.

"Hell, word through the grapevine is that even Mother Earth is pissed," Gamma said. "If the rumors are true, she plans on packing it up and getting the hell out of the Milky Way!"

He continued, "My guess is that Palin will settle down on Uranus if that happens."

Moral of the story: Yeah, this piece sucked. It's 1:48 AM and I still can't come up with a decent conclusion. But anyway. Frankly, I dislike Palin. Some guy on hardball talked about how Sarah Palin is an anti-establishment and down-to-Earth individual who is comfortable around bikers. BULL. This is the same woman who called Common a thug. The truth is she is just as stuck-up and bougie as the people she hates. I have nothing against bikers, but you can't call Common a thug and then pretend like your biker-gang buddies are the sweetest folks on Earth!