Brief News: Study -- Man Who Think Hard Fart Onions

A study conducted by professors from the Adler School of Rectal Psychology has led to the discovery that thinking heavily during times of great duress can produce torpedo-like onion farts that could potentially paralyze or even fatally impale a predator or opponent. "By merely focusing one's mind, men and women can in fact direct their rectal muscles to manifest fully ripe onions right out of thin air, and then fire them out of their rectums like cannonballs," said Professor Seymore Butts. He and his colleagues hope to use their newfound knowledge to empower the elderly, disabled peoples, women, and even weak men (especially those who can barely bench 185 pounds) with the onion-fart-producing meditation techniques needed to protect themselves. "Everybody deserves the right to be safe-even pathetic men who punch likes girls," he said.

Moral of the story: Instead of attacking opponents with your first, attack them with your mind!