Brief Satire: Guinness Names Al Sharpton Most Serious Person Ever

New York, NY--MSNBC host, civil rights activist, and the man whom white people are taught from birth to hate, the Reverend Al Sharpton, has been named the world's most serious person ever by Guinness World Records.

"After carefully analyzing decades of video footage featuring the Reverend, we've come to the conclusion that he has never once in his life publicly smiled, laughed, or made a joke," Guinness representative Glenn Jenkins told reporters. "In addition, conversations with his friends, daughters, and ex-wife have revealed that he's the exact same way in private."

What really drove the conclusion home, however, was a discussion he had with the Reverend's current hubby, Janet Cooper. According to Glenn, Janet and the Reverend were making love about two months ago, when she suddenly experienced a series of vaginal farts.

"She thought that it was just the funniest thing ever, so she turned to the Reverend and asked, 'Isn't that hilarious, baby?'" Glenn explained. "In turn, the Reverend narrowed his eyes, looked right back at her, and asked, 'Is there anything funny about billions of poor people across the globe, millions of unemployed people in American, and 242 complete morons in the House of Representatives? I didn't think so!'"

Glenn added, "Rumor is that the Reverend doesn't even smile when he's getting head!"

Moral of the story: Though I am making fun of the Reverend, I am doing it out of respect. The fools who have the audacity to refer to him as a racist can kiss my ass. He's a great guy who has striven all his life to defend the poor, handicapped, and elderly. And if anything, we could all learn something from his serious and determined approach to life! I salute you, Rev, and eagerly look forward to your weekday commentaries on MSNBC!