Brief Satire: Overanxious Nerd Gets to 'Second Base' with Unidentified Woman

Raleigh, NC--Around 8:20pm on Monday, August 1, 23-year-old Brier Creek resident, hardcore Star Trek aficionado, and overanxious nerd Hardik Gupta got to "second base" with an unidentified woman whom he has never spoken too. Though he doesn't know her name, age, personality type or relationship status, Hardik is nonetheless confident that he'll soon get to "third base" and beyond.

"I was jogging on the sidewalk about a week ago when I passed her and she glanced my way," Hardik told reporters while jumping up and down in glee. "And then when I saw her again this past Monday, not only did she glance at me again, but she threw me some serious eye contact!"

He added, "She wants me, man! I can feel it!"

Hardik believes that it's only a matter of time before the "serious eye contact" is followed by a "third base" wink, after which the two lovebirds will only be a "fourth base" hello away from starting a photo album and moving in together.

Moral of the story #1: This piece is to designed to make fun of my pathetic, non-existent love life.

Moral of the story #2: Ladies, think very seriously about the ramifications before you look at me or, God Forbid, make eye contact with me!