Broken Smile - Domestic Violence

In the end, I held firm with my decision to press charges. Jake criticized me for not recognizing that he had changed and for not trusting that the changes would last. But breathing was still agony for me with the broken ribs and the cast remained on my arm, reminding me continually of what he was capable.

There were warning signs early in our relationship, prior to our marriage. Jake dominated and controlled my every move. He checked my cell phone and pager every night; when I questioned why he felt it necessary to scrutinize with whom I had been in communication, he asked what it was that I had to hide. He controlled all of my contacts with family and friends. He made all of our plans for weekends, holidays, vacations, and major purchases. All holidays and vacations were spent with his family. He made all of the decisions about the future. Compromise on his part never occurred.

Within the first week of marriage, he began to belittle me over small things. I was never able to cook or clean to his satisfaction. He demanded that I arrange for my paycheck to be deposited directly into his account because, after all, we were married now and our monies should be held joint jointly. He kept the checkbook and I paid for purchases such as gas and groceries with my credit card. What I did not realize then but I am all too aware of now is that he paid only the minimal payment on my credit card, allowing the balance to escalate.

After being married nearly a year, I found that I was pregnant. Perhaps, I thought, if I was the mother of his child, he would treat me more kindly. He continued with his emotional abuse and rage. I thought perhaps it was because I was more emotional with the hormones of pregnancy impacting my behavior. Maybe it was my fault. I found ways of isolating myself in the house, trying to minimize the contact that seemed to enrage him so often.

Sex between us became dehumanizing for me. Jake focused on domination over me. I felt repulsed, frightened, and disgusted. I no longer considered sex to be lovemaking in any sense of the word. Looking back on it now, I can see that I was raped over and over again.

I struggled to cope with my marriage, reminding myself continually that I had committed to it for better or worse. I prayed continually for help and direction. I felt trapped in the lie that I was living. Why would anyone believe that a professional woman had chosen to remain in such a marriage? Nobody would believe my story after so many years of abuse. If David knew what was occurring between his parents, he never let on. I was thankful that the abuse occurred privately, however horrific that may sound, because it protected my son.

One week after my son turned twelve, I finally confided in two of my closest friends at work about the truth of my marriage. They were initially stunned, asking why I, an educated professional woman, had remained with such a man for so many years. Despite the fact that they could not understand the history of the relationship, they became the support system that I needed to make to leave Jake. I was desperately afraid, because I knew the rage and violence that lay ahead. I knew, though, that I needed to move on with my life and that this was the only way.

On the final day of my life with Jake, my acquaintances had taken the day off to help me plan my escape. We had not counted on Jake discovering us. The brutality with which my husband assaulted me gave me the courage and the will to execute my plans regardless of what might lie ahead.

I share my humiliating and sometimes horrific story with you because my story is not uncommon. For so many years, I thought that I was alone in my pain and disgrace, but I was never alone. One out of every two women will experience domestic abuse at least once in the course of her marriage. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four. Sixty-five percent of emergency room visits by women are due to injuries received during domestic violence. Nearly 50 percent of female homicides are committed by husbands or former husbands. Domestic violence is not limited to any class, profession, or level of education. I am living proof of that. Please let us not ignore or forget the women who are silently suffering.

I am free from Jake now and from the horrors of our years together. I have since been granted sole custody of David, though Jake has periodic visitation rights that he has yet to exercise. I just recently moved with my son to a new state. I have a fantastic job and am finally able to really move on with my life. I am not certain at this time where my life will go, but David and I have each other and we are at peace. I spent many of my prior years focused on life as a destination and on being free from torment. Now I am able to focus on life as a journey. We live and love and laugh as we never have before.

I am speaking out now on the horrors of domestic violence in the hope that I will be able to save at least one precious life. If I change the outcome for just one terrified woman, I will be grateful. Please let us not ignore or forget the women who are silently suffering.