Brown Thumb Guide to Gardening

Are you one of those people that just cannot keep plants alive? Is your garage full of empty flower pots due to Miracle Grow's empty promises? Don't despair. There is hope for you yet. I offer you the brown thumb's guide to gardening, with 6 plants that even you-and I-will not be able to kill.

First, a disclaimer: Many people will tell you that one of the easiest plants to keep alive is a cactus. I can tell you from experience and the untimely death of 3 cacti, that this is not the case. So, there is no cactus on this list. If you'd like to try your luck-or lack thereof-on a cactus first, be my guest. See if you can keep it alive for two months. If you're at that level of gardening prowess though, you can probably stop reading now.

Okay, now that I've gotten the snooty cactus people out of the way, let's get started.

Lima Bean-It is very, very hard to kill bean plants. They will grow pretty much anywhere, with or without soil, with or without light. Plant them and they will grow. Don't plant them and they will probably still grow. You may remember this from your grade school science experiments. Just remember not to water them with bleach. That one always dies.

Dandelion-If you want something a little prettier than a bean, you could grow a dandelion patch. These are easy because you probably already have some in your yard (unless it is winter or you live in a desert). And all you need to do to plant more is grab one of the ones with the white heads and blow. Then you can say you planted and grew the garden yourself.

Chia Pet-A Chia Pet is not only a plant, it's also a beautiful piece of pottery, even suitable for museums. All you have to do is mix the packet that comes with the "pet" with water and spread it on top. Every once in a while, water it. The good thing about this plant is if it dies, you can always buy another packet of mix and start over. Or you can paint it green.

Grass Head-This fad from the 90s is basically a stocking filled with dirt and grass seed. Just stick your Grass Head in a bowl of water and it will grow. Unfortunately, sometimes the seed is badly distributed, and it may wind up with "hair" in unfortunate places. But, hey, at least it will grow, and all you need to do is give it a trim.

Silk Flowers-If you can't even keep your Grass Head alive, consider investing in silk flowers or trees. They're almost as pretty as the real thing, especially if you put them in a high up place such as a hanging pot or a tall windowsill. Then tell all your friends how much time you put into their care. Boy, will they be jealous.

Dancing Flower-Not only do these flowers not need any water, food or care, they will also dance for you if you clap your hands. What could be better than that? Buy several and start a Conga Line.

If none of these options seem to work for you, try to find a roommate who is good at taking care of plants. Then do not touch the plants, no matter how much you want to and never, ever let her go on vacation. If all else fails, hire a gardener.